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Teacher doesn't give a toss what ex-pupil doing now

A secondary school teacher could not care less what some kid they taught 20 years ago is up to these days.

Upon being approached by a former pupil while doing the big shop, history teacher Martin Bishop made it clear he had no interest in reminiscing about his underpaid day job.

Bishop said: “Apparently I was an inspirational Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society figure to this guy. Shame I didn’t inspire him to leave me the f**k alone. He’s blocking the frozen chips.

“Why would I be happy to see him? He’s a grim reminder of the relentless passage of time. Since I last saw him he’s all grown up, yet I’m still droning on about Nazis to a bunch of Year 9s who don’t give a shit.

“What did he expect to happen? That I’d be overwhelmed with nostalgia and we’d pick up where we left off? The last thing we talked about was probably the failure of the League of Nations, which isn’t the basis of a friendship.

“To be honest I don’t even remember him. Pupils blend into one greasy, amorphous blob after a while. The only ones us teachers recall are the arseholes. We like to read in the local paper when they’re sent down.”

Bishop’s ex-student Jack Browne said: “I thought he’d be happy to hear my knowledge of history had led to a fulfilling career. But all he said was his hasn’t.”

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Five occasions men wear their one generic M&S suit

THE estate of manhood comes with a single inoffensive M&S suit, to be worn at each and every formal social event. Including these:

Christenings

Christenings are nothing more than a formality. Parents only do them so they can post tasteful black-and-white pictures to Instagram, and the child will likely grow up atheist. This means men can rock the suit they bought for £45 in 2013 without feeling guilty for not putting in any effort. Nobody’s ever going to look back on this non-event, let alone judge their wardrobe.

Funerals

If he’s chosen wisely, a man’s suit will be of a muted shade that’s just as at home on the wedding dancefloor as the graveyard. Black is too limiting, but navy or dark brown are versatile enough. Then it’s simply a case of adopting a sombre expression as they coast through the eulogies. You’d never guess they’re solely focused on whether the wake will have a free bar.

Job interviews

Job interviews are all about creating a good first impression. A bland M&S suit that’s already been worn to a graduation ceremony and jury duty tells employers that you’re resourceful and budget-conscious. But other candidates know this trick, so men are forced to stand out with an impressive CV or a useful skillset that generates revenue which is frankly unfair.

First dates with classy women

Sophisticated women expect to go for drinks at snazzy cocktail bars, which means men can’t wear their usual food-stained graphic tees. That’s where M&S’s finest polyester comes to the rescue. The cheapness is hidden under low lighting, and she’ll only feel the average workmanship if she flirtatiously touches the man’s arm. Which she won’t.

Work Christmas drinks

A proper suit would be wasted on a night out getting pissed with people you barely tolerate. Middle-of-the-road M&S suits were made for these occasions where men have to show face but also want to communicate that they’d rather be slumped in front of the telly. They’re also a subtle way for men to indicate to their managers they’re badly in need of a raise.

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