Teenager is strange blend of right-on snowflake and heartless monster

A TEENAGE boy is somehow both a bleeding-heart activist with compassion for everyone and a demon utterly devoid of empathy.

15-year-old Jack Browne constantly bangs on about social justice causes and criticises callous politicians, while also being a complete arsehole to everyone around him.

Browne explained: “The way the wealthy fat cats treat the poor, the downtrodden and the LGBT+ community is disgusting.

“Climate change is going to kill everyone in Africa, and us, but our rich, out-of-touch politicians don’t care about what anyone else is going through. What happened to kindness? And BLM?”

However Browne’s mum Donna feels he should focus his social conscience slightly more on the people around him.

She said: “He refuses to come with me to visit his nan in hospital because she’s ‘boring as shit’, and then I hear from his teacher that he recently went on hunger strike in solidarity with North Korean dissidents.

“I just wish he’d show some consistency. If he treated immigrants coming over on dinghies the way he treated his sister he’d be on trail in The Hague.

“Also despite his untiring fight against racism maybe there are a few minutes spare to clean the bath after he’s used it?”

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Gigi Hadid: Which celebrities would be the best to get high with?

MODEL Gigi Hadid has been arrested for cannabis possession in the Cayman Islands. Hey, we’ve all been there. But if you could abuse drugs with any celebrity, which one would it be? Read on. 

Debbie Harry 

Everyone loves Ms Harry, but according to a weary studio techie Blondie were a nightmare to deal with, due to their natural New York rudeness being cranked up by shedloads of cocaine. However, apart from the high, it’d be well worth doing just for the anecdote value at dinner parties. ‘And then Debbie Harry had a nosebleed all over me…’ definitely beats ‘I was so pissed I puked on a tram in Riga’.

Drugs rating: 8


Steve-O really, really liked coke, to the extent of snorting some soaked in HIV+ blood on one occasion. Hanging out regularly with a heavily addicted user is not without its risks, more so if they’re on Jackass and persuade you to take part in an ill-conceived prank such as riding down an escalator in a shopping trolley full of carving knives. 

Drugs rating: 5

Nigella Lawson

Yet another celebrity fan of cocaine. Do none of them ever huff Bostik out of a plastic bag just for a refreshing change? Nigella is so nice it’s unlikely she’d turn into an obnoxious cokehead, just go slightly manic and decide to roast a duck with all the trimmings at 3am. Which would be great if you were peckish, and also might fortify you slightly against the incredibly grim yet weirdly hard-to-pin-down feelings of futility the next day.

Drugs rating: 9

Brad Pitt

If shrieking coke binges aren’t your thing, weed fan Brad is your guy. By all accounts fairly amiable (unless you’re Angelina Jolie) the only danger of getting high with hippyish Brad would be if he decides you should have an Ozric Tentacles marathon. Brad is apparently very good at rolling, so he’d be useful to know if your spliffs either require the lung strength of an Olympic swimmer to drag on, or are saggy little pillowcases that disintegrate in flames like miniature Hindenburgs.

Drugs rating: 7

Bella Hadid

Sharing a joint with a top model sounds cool but there are downsides. First up, you’d get paranoid about staring at her, even if you weren’t. Also, stoned conversations are pretty tedious at the best of times, and it seems likely that models mainly talk about clothes. If she got onto the topic of Zayn Malik you’d get trampled in the rush to go to the garage for some more Rizlas and kettle chips.

Drugs rating: 5

Craig Charles 

It’s some years since Craig’s tabloid drugs scandal, but he’s included for purists who prefer hitting the crack pipe good and hard without annoying distractions like human interaction. To this end he had a sweet set-up: a grimy mattress surrounded by glasses of piss. It’s the sort of minimalist functionality IKEA can only dream of.

Drugs rating: 6

Frank Bough

After a certain age, you haven’t got the stamina to stay up all night doing E, so what you need is a middle-aged coke-fuelled sex party with Frank Bough. Frank was 55 when details of his slightly atypical hobbies came to light, so it’s reasonable to assume the sex was fairly sedate and everyone politely did lines off a Roger Whittaker CD. So much more civilised, and you could wear your favourite jumper without feeling ‘uncool’.

Drugs rating: 10