Teenager's accent changes dramatically when parents leave the house

THE neighbours of a well-spoken teenager have noticed his accent radically alters when his parents are not around.

17-year-old Tom Logan’s speech transforms from middle-class ‘nice boy’ into hardened South London ‘roadman’ the minute his parents go to their well-paid jobs or Waitrose.

Neighbour Julian Cook said: “Today I heard Tom say, ‘Bye mum. I’ll finish off the leftover quinoa and feta salad if that’s okay with you.’

“But when one his mates came over a bit later I distinctly heard him saying things like, ‘Shut up fam, she’s proper peng ting.’

“I thought perhaps his parents had hired a Chinese tutor, but when I heard him describe our stockbroker suburb as his ‘endz’ I realised it was just middle-class teenager identity bollocks.”

Logan said: “My parents could never accept the fact that despite being able to play the bassoon I’m actually very street.  

“Private school isn’t immune to turf wars. The beef between the badminton team and the debating society mandem is bare peak.”

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Everything you need to be a bellend at university

IT’S traditional to be a bellend during your time at university, so what will you need? Forget the family-sized bag of pasta and cheese grater, here are the real essentials to take with you.

Lame ‘hard’ anecdotes

Freshers often compete to have the most pre-uni ‘street cred’, so be ready to mention any drug experiences or ultra-minor run-ins with the police. Don’t try too hard – being put in detention will make you look like NWA.

Weird clothes

If you’re going down this road you can try anything from the classic ‘unconvincing vampire’ Goth look to a random jumble of ‘alternative’ clothes such as corduroy dungarees and a Rasta hat. This will definitely never come back to haunt you in the age of camera phones and Facebook.

Conversations about A-levels

If there’s one thing you’ll talk about a lot at uni, it’s A-levels. Have lots of scintillating A-level chat ready, such as: what A-levels you did; what grades you got; the person who wet themselves during the English Lit exam. (Neglect to mention that was you.)

Dance moves

Learn these approved student dance steps:

● A single moderately competent move, eg. the running man, but which you repeat endlessly all night as if mentally unwell.

● Robotically moving your arms up and down and occasionally jerking left and right like the Duracell Bunny. Pretty cool move if you hang out with science students.

● Just jumping about frantically. It’s punk. Or something.

The ability to bullshit

Crucial in every sphere of university life. Have you done the pre-reading? Yes. Do you like listening to a stranger drone on about his arse-end-of-nowhere hometown? Sure! Are you only at this tedious SU meeting because you haven’t made any friends? No way!

Selective amnesia

You’re definitely going to make a total tit of yourself many, many times, whether it’s shitting yourself during an alcohol blackout or mispronouncing ‘hyperbole’ in a seminar.

Practise blotting out unwanted memories. This will also come in useful whenever you remember how much getting a degree from a university nobody has heard of is costing you.