That twat you used to work with now somehow a boss

A MASSIVE arsehole you used to work with is now quite senior at another company.

31-year-old Tom Logan, who just used to go on football websites and talk about which of the women in the office were most ‘shaggable’, is now somehow in charge of 23 people.

Logan’s co-worker Roy Hobbs said: “He is still a twat. I said hello to him by the lifts the other day and he more or less blanked me and started talking business bullshit to someone more important.

“The odd thing is people here seem to respect him, even though he got a warning for sending weird texts to the work experience girl.

“Apparently what happened was that he read one of those articles in Men’s Health magazine about ‘how to impress your boss’. Then he started wearing the same colour jacket as the MD and ‘mirroring’ his speech patterns, and it actually worked.”

He added: “It’s almost like a complete lack of good qualities actually contributes to success in the workplace.”

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Fairy ‘just delighted’ about tree up fanny

A CHRISTMAS tree fairy would rather not have a needle-covered branch right up her skirt, it has emerged.

Fairy Eleanor Shaw, who has spent the last 12 months in an attic, just hopes that the Norway spruce branch in her most delicate parts is increasing the gaiety of Yuletide.

She continued: “Does nobody else find the ‘tree up fairy fanny’ thing a bit weird? It’s like some disturbing Japanese comic.

“I could just be tied to the tree with a bit of string around my waist. That would work perfectly well and nobody would need to get chafed.

“Also the lights inside my clothing are those new LED type so not only are they very hot, the brightness makes sleep impossible.

“Still, I could be like all the soldiers and angels and snowmen lower down, hanging by a noose around their necks, lifelessly twisting in the breeze for your seasonal joy.”

Shaw added: “It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.”