DO you feel your children should be aware of the war in Ukraine? But can you also not be arsed to explain it responsibly? Be sure to cover all these bases.
Explain the effects of a nuclear holocaust
Breezily inform your kids they’ll be vaporised instantly – along with mummy, daddy, all their toys and favourite pet. When they start crying reassure them they’re the lucky ones – it’s the kids trying to survive in the irradiated wasteland they should feel sorry for. Hypothetical child-eating giant cockroaches will add ‘colour’.
Imply the Russian army is coming for them personally
Your child hasn’t got a clue where Ipswich is, let alone Ukraine. So it’s easy to imply that hordes of brutal Russians are coming to the UK. Let their little imaginations run wild – they’ll soon believe the Russians are evil monsters with fangs who’ll pluck them from their beds for a midnight snack. Are kids daft or what?
In case the situation wasn’t terrifying enough, why not mention there’s a ruined nuclear power plant which could easily send clouds of radioactive dust over Europe if destroyed? Don’t get put off your stride describing the effects of severe radiation poisoning when they begin to blubber.
Implausibly, they’ll have to fight in Ukraine
Be misleadingly vague, saying things like ‘EVERYONE is having to help fight the Russians’, suggesting they’re about to be handed a rifle and shipped off to Kyiv. They’re too naive to question the logic of sending a small child who still carries a cuddly toy around to fight Spetsnaz commandos. Give an interesting account of bayonet combat to really get the bed-wetting started.
World War 3 is a certainty
Tell your kids Ukraine might seem far away, but World War 2 was triggered by Hitler’s invasion of Poland (a good opportunity to add an extra tutorial on the Nazis). Also explain Putin is totally insane and could do anything. You’ll get a nice break from watching Peppa bloody Pig if they’re sitting trembling under the dining room table waiting for the world to end.