Wednesday, 28th October 2020

The eight things you need to be a beach bastard

WANT to not only spend your day on the beach but to ruin everyone else’s? Bring these items on your six trips to the car: 

Ten windbreaks

Keeping the wind off is a side bonus. The real objective is to create a maze of barriers protecting a secure gated compound, deterring other beachgoers and their prying eyes while annexing an acre of the best sand.


At least one Bluetooth speaker, but ideally two for a reggae-style soundclash between Billie Eilish and Fleetwood Mac. Creates an impenetrable sonic fortress between you and everyone muttering what twats you are. You’ll have to shout to be heard, mind.


Ideally one barky dog, one growly dog and one dog that runs around everyone else’s towels, soaking wet. Can be the same dog, but won’t ruin as much fun. Let everyone wonder what’s you’re doing with the shit.


You can’t have enough kids getting all up in everyone’s faces. Select from the following: Mucus Toddler, Sulking Teen, Cool Teen, Hiding Erection Teen, Football Lads, Screeching TikTok Girls, or Digging F**k-Off Hole.

A tent

Basically the VIP area of your compound, with one or more babies in. Not directly annoying to others, but by this point they’re angrily muttering ‘Jesus they’ve even got a tent’ regardless.


It seems every two minutes there’s the kschhhh of another can of Red Stripe from behind the sodding windbreaks, and too many intimidating beet-red men drinking them to even peer over and see their coolbox. When they leave, you see it’s basically a wheeled fridge.


How else would you cook your food? And what else would you then say ‘Well we can’t carry it, it’s red hot’ about and leave on the beach, neglecting to notice the sea so close at hand?

A couple of bags of recycling

They must have brought their rubbish with them. They can’t have generated that much in one day. Ah, what a lovely sunset that Aldi bag’s blowing through.