Have you got a hangover or COVID-19?

YOU went to the pub last night and woke up feeling terrible, but why? Too many Jägerbombs, or the dreaded virus? Here’s how to figure it out.

You wake up and your mouth is…

A) Drier and fouler than a Wetherspoon’s chicken tikka masala.

B) Full of the taste of regret. So much regret.

You gather up the will to move your aching body and discover your bed is…

A) Soaked in sweat.

B) Soaked in sweat and another liquid that has a different smell which you’re desperately hoping isn’t urine.

You take a deep breath and your chest feels…

A) Horribly tight, and it’s not from smoking because you’re the type of boring drunk who lectures people about the dangers of fags.

B) Slightly tight, as if you spent five hours last night begging Marlboro Lights from annoyed strangers.

There’s someone in your bedroom. Is it…

A) A concerned loved one, gently mopping your brow with a damp cloth.

B) A bollock-naked stranger who can’t remember your name, and probably not their own.

You shuffle to the bathroom mirror and see…

A) Someone who looks like shit.

B) Someone who looks like shit, and knows they deserve it even though they aren’t 100 per cent sure what they did last night.

Mostly As: It’s probably coronavirus, and if it’s not you might as well pretend it is and suck up all that lovely sympathy.

Mostly Bs: It’s most likely a hangover. You deserve to feel this way.

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How to stick to a socially distanced barbecue when you're pissed

Worried you’ll have too many glasses of Shiraz and attempt to sit on your partner’s attractive colleague’s knee? Here’s how to keep your distance to a strict one metre.

Pretend you’ve got a cough

You’d hope that all your guests would immediately leave if you start spluttering over the potato salad. However, they’re all so desperate for a party that they will simply cluster together for safety, leaving you alone by the compost bin.

Weaponise flatulence

It’s drastic, but if you want people to keep their distance, parping out some bad smells will really help. Dig in heartily to the dubious barbecued chicken tikka and let rip with enthusiasm.

Be embarrassingly drunk

When you got pissed before coronavirus you would have a filter that stopped you calling your mother-in-law a chubby nightmare or slapping your handsome neighbour on the arse. Turn this filter off and people will be backing away, either offended or embarrassed.

Don’t let them use the toilet

Even though government guidelines say people can use your loo, don’t let them. After necking three bottles of Cava they’ll have to go in search of a public loo or go home, meaning your garden will stay sparsely populated at all times.

Insist everyone bring their own cutlery

And food, condiments, drinks, glasses and plates. Then say they can’t use your barbecue and make them stand on the drive. They’ll decide your party is shit within fifteen minutes and leave, instantly solving your problems.