Middle-aged man reaches weird shed obsession phase

A MAN’S friends and family are becoming increasingly concerned by the amount of time he is spending doing mysterious things in his shed.

Bill McKay, 52, has raised eyebrows with his desire to isolate himself from his family to spend time in that is essentially a landfill of old garden equipment in a wooden hut.

McKay’s wife Susan said: “He says he’s refurbishing it and there was some muttering about a bar, though so far he’s just keeping some bottles of Doom Bar in a dirty old sink.

“It’s probably a mid-life crisis, but I wish he could have gone down a more interesting route, like blowing our life savings on a Ferrari or getting into parkour.

“I thought there was a glimmer of hope when I noticed he’d been sneaking glue into the shed but it turned out he’d been using it to construct a scale model of the Forth Bridge out of matchsticks.

“I genuinely would rather have found out he’d been sniffing it.”

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Husband thinks himself a 'modern man' for wiping own piss from toilet seat

A MAN who sometimes remembers to wipe down the toilet seat after inaccurately urinating now considers himself an ideal husband.

Stephen Malley has boasted about the cleanliness of the loo he shares with his wife in their en-suite after cursorily dabbing away his own wee with some toilet paper.

Malley said: “I’m a changed man. It makes me sick to think about how I used to let my wife clean up after me like a toddler, just weeks ago.

“Now, if I don’t get it all straight in the bowl, I’m reaching for the bog roll to tend to the scene of the crime. Well, unless I have to rush back to watching Masterchef, of course.

“I changed my ways following prolonged soul searching and spiritual growth, and it had nothing to do with an ultimatum from my wife saying she’d leave me if I didn’t stop pissing like a faulty sprinkler.”

Malley’s wife Helen said: “I wish he’d continued. I’m looking for any excuse for divorce.”