Wednesday, 26th February 2020

The five most annoying habits of your retired parents

ARE you constantly driven up the wall by your elderly parents’ strange behaviour? Here’s how to cope with their most annoying habits.

Obsession with trivia

Retirement gives your parents way too much time to focus on daft trivia like whether to buy a new tea towel, which they will tell you about until you want to cry. Solution: Make them get a job, even if they’re 80 and a bit doddery. It’s the kindest thing.

Nostalgia for things that were worse

Whilst happily surfing the satellite channels, older parents are GUARANTEED to say: “I preferred it when there were just the four channels.” Solution: Connect an old Bush TV to their Sky box and see how they like tuning into Sky Atlantic manually by twiddling the knob.

Cluelessness while eating out

Unless your parents are used to eating out, it will involve endless strange questions, eg. “What happens if my food arrives while I’m in the toilet?” or “Why is there a piece of lemon with my fish?” Solution: Before having a straightforward meal at a local pub, take four Valium.

Telling you about people you don’t know

Has their friend Audrey’s daughter finished her gap year and got a job with Vodafone? You have no idea who this person is, but your parents WILL ring to tell you about it. Solution: Keep saying “Really? That’s interesting” in between immersing your head in a bucket of vodka.

Constant bafflement with technology

When they ask you for the 500th time if their Yahoo account is the same as their NatWest account you will want to throw the laptop and your dear old mum and dad out of the window. Solution: There is no solution. Grit your teeth and repeat for the billionth time that for computers to work, they sometimes have to be plugged in.