Woman hoping to bounce back from decade of drinking and smoking with sheet mask

A 34-YEAR-OLD woman believes she can reverse the damage inflicted by years of fags and booze with a rejuvenating face mask.

Eleanor Shaw of Leeds discovered the hydrating and plumping sheet mask in Superdrug while looking for ways to lessen the toll chain-smoking her way through her twenties has taken on her skin.

She said: “I stared in the mirror this morning, after another midweek bender, while I was reheating last night’s burger in the microwave, and thought: I’ve got to do something about the way I’m treating my body.

“It was one of those wake up calls where I either have to completely overhaul my lifestyle, or turn to at-home beauty treatments that have really comforting words on the packaging.

“This mask is not only ‘anti-ageing’ and ‘restorative’, it also contains ‘vital ingredients’. It’ll turn back the decades. When I go and buy wine this lunchtime, I’ll probably get ID-checked for having the pale, unblemished skin of a toddler.

“Though I’ll settle for nobody knowing I’m regularly up until 2am with Netflix, a litre of Jack Daniels and a six-pack of Wotsits.”

She added: “How long do you have to keep this thing on for? Can I smoke through it?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man calling himself 'self-styled' expert is definitely a prick

A MAN describing himself as a ‘self-styled’ expert is without doubt a d*ckhead, researchers have confirmed. 

Tom Booker of Hitchin refers to himself as a ‘self-styled’ expert on Brexit, stock trading, the Lamborghini Gallardo and the films of Martin Scorcese despite having no education and little experience of any of them.

He said: “I introduce myself as a self-styled expert when I call LBC. That’s warning enough that the opinions you’re about to hear aren’t just brilliant, but dangerous.

“Real experts often let all the facts or whatever they’ve learned get in the way. My expertise might not have the official stamp of approval but that makes it all the more refreshing.

“That’s why I get cut off all the time. Because they can’t handle how outside the norm my views are. That, and I tend to say ‘f**k’ when I get excited.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “The words ‘self-styled’ negate whatever follows. A ‘self-styled entrepreneur’ has a lot of failed businesses. A ‘self-styled fashion guru’ wears clothes that make your eyes hurt. A ‘self-styled playboy’ expects a shag for buying champagne.

“If you’re described as ‘self-styled’ you think you’re great, but seek a second opinion immediately. That opinion will say you’re a prick, and will be right.”