Saturday, 4th April 2020

How to cope with the rest of your life when you peaked at secondary school

WERE you incredibly popular aged 11-16 but have since become one more drop in humanity’s ocean? Here’s what to do to feel special again: 

Become a criminal

Popularity at school was often down to being notorious for cheeking teachers and smoking round the back of the science block. Translate this into your adult life by becoming a mugger, car thief or serial killer.

Get back into bullying

The best way to be superior back in your early teens was to terrorise another kid so thoroughly that people were nice to you so that they wouldn’t be next. Try this tactic at work, and if anyone threatens to take you to an employment tribunal give them a dead leg.

Deal drugs

At school the kids who could supply a spliff, or even a stolen Lambert & Butler, at lunch time were always incredibly popular. You’ll have to up your game as an adult and it will be hard to explain to your partner that you’ve been arrested for supplying crack, but at least you’ll feel like a big deal again.

Retrain as a teacher

If your school days were genuinely the best of your life, why not return? You can spend every day being a cool teacher by swearing and putting your feet on your desk while the kids do cruel, mocking impressions of you behind your back.

Buy kids drinks at the local pub

If you’re desperate to return to your secondary school glory days, why not hang out with the pupils who still go there? The kids will rightly think you’re extremely suspect but will want the free booze, so lap that attention up.