Wednesday, 26th February 2020

Sajid Javid's f**kwitted guide to how things work

CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer Sajid Javid may not know how trade with the EU works, but it doesn’t end there. Here he answers more questions about the world around us: 

How do toilets flush?

Water pressure. The water in the toilet tank is incredibly compressed, so when you flush it rushes through with such force it smashes your excreta into tiny pieces invisible to the naked eye. It’s still there though, so change your toilet water every month with a cup and a bucket, as I do.

If we’re descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

The benefits system. Thanks to overly generous government handouts monkeys have become too lazy to evolve into humans. Our government will put a stop to this and make them work for their bananas.

How do massive planes with tiny wings stay in the sky?

Hot things rise, and the sun heats up planes on the runway until they float upwards, like steam from a kettle. They’re too cold to float at night, which is why you never see them in the sky, just UFOs.

Who invented the computer? 

Stephen Hawking, because he needed a way to tell people about black holes. His groundbreaking work was then adapted by top Brexit scientists desperate to inform the public about ridiculous EU regulations the media kept secret. Within days, the internet and Facebook were born.

Where do flies go in winter? 

Back to the EU. There were no flies in the UK before 1973, but since then freedom of movement has allowed them to feast on British dog turds that rightfully belong to indigenous insects like squirrels.