A MAN attempting to counsel a female friend after a breakup has run out of platitudes in record time, he has admitted.
Wayne Hayes managed to squeeze out ‘Oh no’, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘You were too good for him’ while hugging pal Joanna Kramer before completely running out of things to say and repeating ‘Oh no’ again.
He said: “I would’ve thought I had at least five minutes in me but I’m done already. I’m just making noises now.
“The ground seems too unsure for ‘What a monster’, ‘Plenty more fish in the sea’ is a bit too cliched, and it only happened yesterday so it’s too soon for ‘Move on’.
“I almost filled the silence by asking if she thought Liverpool were set up for another Champions League – you know, take her mind off things – but wisely swerved at the last minute.
“Then I just stared blankly, attempting to convey empathy through my eyes, then gave up and said ‘Do you want to go and get drunk?’”
Kramer said: “There is only one appropriate thing to say in the event of a breakup and that is ‘Let’s get hammered.’ I don’t know what took Wayne so long.”