How to secretly stuff your face when your partner's on a diet

YOUR partner’s dieting and you’re trying to be supportive but you’re bloody starving. Here’s how to stuff yourself without getting caught. 

Claim to be working late while becoming one of the 5pm regulars at Burger King, muttering ‘the usual’ at the counter staff until they heap your tray with Whoppers and then signalling carb-drunkenly for more. You’ll still be able to fit in a carrot-and-coriander soup later.

Swap your armchair for a beanbag filled with Skittles and shove in a quick mouthful whenever your partner’s rapt in front of Bake-Off. If they notice your blue tongue claim to be eating healthy blue spirulina algae powder, like supermodel Miranda Kerr.

Partner having a special treat by ordering sushi off Deliveroo? Go along with it, add a portion of cheesy chips for yourself and scoff them on the doorstep. It’s not like sushi goes cold.

Leave a few Babybels floating in that old junkie’s favourite stash, the toilet tank, and scoff a few every time you need to relieve yourself. Don’t worry about the wax. Wax is edible.

On really desperate days, raid the duck fat still in the cupboard from Christmas. After a week of freekeh mushroom risottos it’ll be delicious straight from the spoon.

Off the booze too? Try adapting a tactic used on oil rigs and inject oranges with vodka, then claim to be getting your five-a-day. If you get woozy pretend you’re weak with hunger, and with luck your partner will use it as an excuse to order the Chinese they’re gagging for.

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Steak bakes have been vegan for years, laughs Greggs

GREGGS have confirmed that there has not been any meat or animal products in their steak bakes since 2005. 

The high street baker has been lauded for its vegan steak bakes but yesterday admitted that it removed all animal products 15 years ago, because it was cheaper.

CEO Wayne Hayes said: “That’s right, suckers. You’ve been vegans since the era of Gwen Stefani. And you had no idea.

“It’s just mushrooms, salt and flavouring. The steak chunks you think you’ve been biting in to? Dogfood flavour jelly beans.

“As for the pastry, we gave up in the early noughties and just started wrapping everything in carboard. Nobody noticed because it’s soaked in vegetable oil, and that’s all our customers really care about.

“We only launched the vegan one as kind of a joke, to see if anyone would realise. But when nobody did suddenly it all began to feel kind of hollow. Except for the millions we’ve made.”

Nathan Muir of Croydon said: “Once I found a lump of beef in a custard slice. Explain that.”