The five neighbours you'll regret getting to know

YOU’VE nodded for years, but finally you’re getting to know your neighbours. Here are five reasons why you will regret that: 

The favour-askers

They’ll open with an act of kindness, then you’re picking up a few bits for them, then it’s every time, and before long you’ll be driving them to the airport with a rolled-up carpet making muffled screams in the boot. It never f**king stops with these people.

The flag flyers

Camouflaged during World Cups and painfully obvious the rest of the time, these are the neighbours you pretended weren’t there during the summer of 2016. No matter what the subject, it will lurch without warning into ‘political correctness gone mad’ and from there, well. You surely know.

The swingers

We’re all bored and horny, but it’s not a safe time for experimenting with new friendships, let alone new sexual configurations. Give the couple in satin robes the cup of sugar they came for and send them on their way.

Nauseating do-gooders

Say ‘Hi’ once in passing and soon you’ll be part of a Neighbourhood Watch WhatsApp group and taking committee notes about the street’s recycling situation. Keep them at a distance by burning tyres in your garden for no apparent reason.

The girl next door

Don’t let this beautiful female archetype tempt you as she brushes her hair by her bedroom window. You don’t have anything in common anyway, plus you’ve been married with children for 12 years.

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Whole houseshare forced to celebrate unpopular housemate's birthday

AN ENTIRE house has been forced to celebrate an unpopular housemate’s birthday because they are all stuck in with him. 

Nathan Muir turns 28 today, a fact his four Bristol flatmates would normally have ignored completely but have been unable to because of COVID-19.

Julian Cook said: “It’s not that we don’t like Nathan. We just don’t know him well enough to be the only celebrants at his lonely lockdown birthday party.

“But there’s no excuse to get out of it, and we’re all here. Hannah pretended that’s why she made a cake yesterday, and Sean’s made a card we’ve all signed, and happy birthday Nathan I guess.”

Fellow housemate Simon agreed: “Normally I’d say ‘happy birthday’ in the morning, forget about it until the evening, then make an excuse not to go to the pub with him and his halfwit rugby mates.

“I asked why he doesn’t meet them on Zoom but he said he’d rather be with his ‘roomies’. He knows this is obligation, doesn’t he? He doesn’t think we’re his friends?”

Muir said: “I can’t believe I’m turning 28 in lockdown with these losers. Still, needs must.”