The Daily Mash Easter lockdown quiz

HOLDING a lockdown quiz with friends and family tonight? Try these questions: 

Which song still holds the record for the longest time at number one? 

A) That Wet Wet Wet one, from the Hugh Grant film.
B) Bryan Adams I guess. So is it just questions? We’re not chatting in between?
C) Frankie Laine, ‘I Believe’.

Who was the first man ever to play James Bond? 

A) Sean Connery.
B) This isn’t fun. I shouldn’t have to be concentrating on this kind of trivia when the world’s falling apart. Can’t we just talk to each other?
C) Bob Holness, in a South African radio adaptation.

Name the goalkeeper who kept Carlisle United in the Football League with a last-minute goal in 1999? 

A) I don’t know. I miss football. Do you think there will ever be football again?
B) I remember that. I was young then, and I remember talking about it down the pub. We thought we would always be young, and always have the pub.
C) Jimmy Glass.

In what year did deputy prime minister John Prescott punch a man who threw an egg at him? 

A) In the past, when everything was better. When we could go to shops and touch each other and there wasn’t a daily death toll on the news.
B) John Prescott. He was a good lad. Now the deputy’s that nutter Raab and he’s actually in f**king charge. How did it come to this? How?
C) 2001.

When will life return to normal? 

A) Maybe May? Or if not May June? Or definitely by September. Surely.
B) I’m not sure, but ‘when I’m not alone in my house doing stupid f**king pub trivia quizzes over my f**king laptop and trying to pretend it’s fun’ will be a key sign.
C) Never.


Mostly As: You are currently doing okay, but in a fortnight’s time will be giving mostly B answers.

Mostly Bs: You are not doing okay, and should not do any further quizzes because there is a real risk you will punch and break your laptop.

Mostly Cs: Congratulations! You have won the quiz, missed the point, and lost all your friends.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

LinkedIn 'a ghost town' as everyone gives up on self-promoting bollocks

VISITORS are sharing photos of the eerily deserted pages of LinkedIn as everybody gives up on bullshit self-promotion and settles for the job they have. 

The social media site is down to mid-00s levels of peace and quiet, following widespread agreement that now is not the time for wanky posts about the fast-paced world of some career that really doesn’t matter and in which there are no new jobs anyway.

Marketing manager Joanna Kramer said: “It’s a small miracle.

“Everyone’s so focused on holding onto their current position that my news feed is no longer polluted by video of someone on stage at the Brentford Data Storage Conference or listing a new invented skill.

“The once-deafening cries of recruitment consultants have been silenced. The bellows of consultants are no longer heard. It’s almost a pleasant place to be.

“I just hope that when all this is over we can learn some lessons and go back to using LinkedIn for its original purpose: checking out ex-colleagues who we always fancied. Or hated. Or both.

“Sod goats occupying Llandudno or fish in Venetian canals. The sense of hope I get from this is a million times stronger.”