HOLDING a lockdown quiz with friends and family tonight? Try these questions:
Which song still holds the record for the longest time at number one?
A) That Wet Wet Wet one, from the Hugh Grant film.
B) Bryan Adams I guess. So is it just questions? We’re not chatting in between?
C) Frankie Laine, ‘I Believe’.
Who was the first man ever to play James Bond?
A) Sean Connery.
B) This isn’t fun. I shouldn’t have to be concentrating on this kind of trivia when the world’s falling apart. Can’t we just talk to each other?
C) Bob Holness, in a South African radio adaptation.
Name the goalkeeper who kept Carlisle United in the Football League with a last-minute goal in 1999?
A) I don’t know. I miss football. Do you think there will ever be football again?
B) I remember that. I was young then, and I remember talking about it down the pub. We thought we would always be young, and always have the pub.
C) Jimmy Glass.
In what year did deputy prime minister John Prescott punch a man who threw an egg at him?
A) In the past, when everything was better. When we could go to shops and touch each other and there wasn’t a daily death toll on the news.
B) John Prescott. He was a good lad. Now the deputy’s that nutter Raab and he’s actually in f**king charge. How did it come to this? How?
When will life return to normal?
A) Maybe May? Or if not May June? Or definitely by September. Surely.
B) I’m not sure, but ‘when I’m not alone in my house doing stupid f**king pub trivia quizzes over my f**king laptop and trying to pretend it’s fun’ will be a key sign.
Mostly As: You are currently doing okay, but in a fortnight’s time will be giving mostly B answers.
Mostly Bs: You are not doing okay, and should not do any further quizzes because there is a real risk you will punch and break your laptop.
Mostly Cs: Congratulations! You have won the quiz, missed the point, and lost all your friends.