The mum’s guide to pretending your child is not a total little bastard

AS the parent of a toddler, do you feel your little angel can do no wrong? Here are some great ways of convincing people your child is not the embodiment of evil.

They’re just tired

Josh called you a ‘poohead’, you say? He put your phone down the toilet? He tried to hunt your dog with a homemade spear? He’s just tired. (It’s probably best not to mention that two-hour nap he just had.)  

They’re just ‘testing boundaries’

Try saying things like: “It may look like he just kicked you in the bollocks, but actually he’s testing boundaries. He knows he shouldn’t do it now, and your bollocks helped with that. Good for you.”

It’s the ‘terrible twos’

Say: “I’m so sorry my child shat in your shoe – it’s the terrible twos!” For best results accompany this with a helpless shrug and look like you’re on the verge of tears. People will immediately sympathise – and the great thing is you can use this excuse for a whole year!

They’re hungry

“She only tried to gouge your eye out with a plastic fork because she hasn’t eaten for six minutes!”. She’s definitely not already exhibiting psychopathic tendencies. No. Although she is attempting to decapitate her toy Mickey Mouse.

It’s a phase…

… or a leap, or a growth spurt or fuck knows what but it’s definitely not your kid’s fault.

Claim they are ill

“He’s only wrecking your house because he’s coming down with something. He’ll crash out when we get home.” Hope that no one notices your child looks fit as a fiddle as he rushes around energetically trying to put the cat in the oven.