Dominic Raab to petrol bomb your house then petrol bomb the fire brigade

DOMINIC Raab has unveiled plans to throw petrol bombs at your house and then petrol bomb the fire engine as soon as it arrives.

Raab said he could not ‘in good conscience’ stand by while your house was free of flames and then allow firemen to restrict its ability to burn to the ground.

He added: “I have always said that your house would be far better off if it was a charred, smouldering ruin that would have to be demolished.

“It is entirely unreasonable of the so-called ‘fire brigade’ to stand in the way of the plans that were put before you.

“Now please give me some room while I hoist these hot missiles through your kitchen window.

“Thank you.”

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Man still thinks he's slim

A MAN who has put on a fair bit of weight over the years still sees himself as a slim, attractive 20-something, it has emerged.

44-year-old Stephen Malley believes he has the physique of his younger self, despite many years of eating takeaways in a comfy chair and ever-increasing shirt sizes.

Malley said: “Sure, I’m a bit larger than before but I don’t think it’s noticeable if I stand up straight and don’t tuck my shirt in, which admittedly is a bit distressing.

“I certainly don’t let it stop me chatting to attractive younger women. If anything they seem to be more into me and really want to tell me about their problems.

“A few naysayers have hinted I’m a bit chunky now, but that’s just because I’m always standing in the wrong light, or I’ve got too many layers on.

“To be honest it doesn’t matter if I’ve put on a few pounds because my new skinny jeans are a workout in themselves.”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Stephen’s unshakeable self-belief would almost be inspiring if he wasn’t so obviously destined for an early, chub-related death.”