The office worker's guide to having a depressing lunchtime 'picnic'

ARE you going to eat your sad Boots Meal Deal sandwich outside in a pathetic attempt to enjoy the sunshine? Read our guide to pretending it is some kind of picnic.

If there’s no grassy area near your workplace, sit on a roundabout. The carbon monoxide might even kill enough brain cells to make your job seem interesting.

Splash out on a tub of strawberries. Then remember all supermarket strawberries are horribly underripe and without loads of sugar you may as well be eating a raw sprout.

Buy a bottle of sparkling water and some plastic wine glasses and imagine you’re getting pissed on prosecco. Colour in one side of your face with a red marker pen to give the impression that you got shitfaced and passed out in the sun.

Try to forget the depressing fact that you’ve got strictly one hour for lunch or you’ll get bollocked by repeatedly saying, “Gosh, haven’t the last three hours just flown by?”

Resist the temptation to sprawl out on the grass without doing a thorough dog turd reconnaissance first. Failure to do so will lead to your supposedly adult, mature colleagues forever referring to you as “the dogshit guy”.

Make it like a Famous Five picnic by taking ginger beer, describing things as ‘queer’ and constantly being on the lookout for smugglers/anyone who isn’t a posh English person.

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'They call me… The Busmaker'

CONSERVATIVE leadership candidate Boris Johnson has revealed himself to be the mysterious Busmaker of myth and legend. 

Johnson unmasked himself as the fabled hero in an interview yesterday, finally revealing the identity of the champion who stood tall to defend the capital in its darkest hours.

He said: “What do I do to relax? Well, when nobody’s around I melt into the shadows and take on my true form as London’s saviour – the Busmaker.

“In the Blitz, while Nazi V2 rockets exploded around me, I was there, making buses. In the smoke and squalor of the Victorian era, I was there, making buses. In the years of the plague and the great fires, I was there, even though nobody knew what I was making back then.

“I have always walked among you, making buses from simple wooden crates. You know, those ones that hold two bottles of wine? I paint them. And then I paint the passengers enjoying themselves on the wonderful bus.

“I am, and have always been, the Busmaker. I have ruled London. And soon, my buses and I will rule the country.”

Tory member Margaret Gerving said: “He’s out of his mind. Finally.”