The office worker’s guide to having a depressing lunchtime ‘picnic’

ARE you going to eat your sad Boots Meal Deal sandwich outside in a pathetic attempt to enjoy the sunshine? Read our guide to pretending it is some kind of picnic.

If there’s no grassy area near your workplace, sit on a roundabout. The carbon monoxide might even kill enough brain cells to make your job seem interesting.

Splash out on a tub of strawberries. Then remember all supermarket strawberries are horribly underripe and without loads of sugar you may as well be eating a raw sprout.

Buy a bottle of sparkling water and some plastic wine glasses and imagine you’re getting pissed on prosecco. Colour in one side of your face with a red marker pen to give the impression that you got shitfaced and passed out in the sun.

Try to forget the depressing fact that you’ve got strictly one hour for lunch or you’ll get bollocked by repeatedly saying, “Gosh, haven’t the last three hours just flown by?”

Resist the temptation to sprawl out on the grass without doing a thorough dog turd reconnaissance first. Failure to do so will lead to your supposedly adult, mature colleagues forever referring to you as “the dogshit guy”.

Make it like a Famous Five picnic by taking ginger beer, describing things as ‘queer’ and constantly being on the lookout for smugglers/anyone who isn’t a posh English person.