Johnson pledges tax cut for unicorn breeders

BORIS Johnson has vowed to slash taxes for Britain’s hard-pressed unicorn breeders.

The prime minister-in-waiting said the tax cut would create up to 20 million new jobs in the supernatural horse industry.

He told the Daily Telegraph: “Chinese billionaires are desperate to buy British unicorns, but our breeders can’t meet the demand because of EU rules on VAT and minimum unicorn width.

“Free of these shackles the unicorn farms of Somerset and Wiltshire could soon be churning out thousands of magical horses which would then be vacuum packed and sent to the Far East via an 8000 mile-long bridge that I have designed myself.”

He added: “Is there a more powerful advert for our country than a happy Chinese billionaire leaping into his swimming pool on the back of a British unicorn?”

Mr Johnson believes that at £250m a unicorn Britain will become so wealthy that every British citizen will be able to buy a unicorn of their very own.

 

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Couple stuck in passive-aggressive tit-for-tat wedding invite nightmare

A COUPLE are obliged to invite people they do not like to their wedding simply because they have previously watched them get married.

Tom Logan and Eleanor Shaw have finalised their wedding guest list based largely on weddings they have already attended, regardless of whether they actually want those couples to be there or not.

Shaw said: “Dan from work invited us to his wedding at the last moment and ignored us the whole time we were there, so we have to invite them because that’s how it works. Which sucks.

“We’re also inviting an uncle I hate, Eleanor’s mum’s friend from zumba classes, and a couple whose wedding we went to four years ago who are now divorced, which will add a lovely edge of tension and misery to our special occasion.

“This is meant to be our day. But instead I’m spending hundreds of pounds on people I barely know in any other context simply because I saw them get married so they have to see us do the same.

“Would our wedding not be real if it wasn’t witnessed by other recently married couples? When will this nightmare end?”

Guest Julian Cook said: “Oh great, now we’ve got to spend all weekend at their bloody wedding just because they came to ours. When will this nightmare end?”