How to accept you're a 'family festival' person now

DID you used to get blitzed on drugs at festivals, but now take your kids to the ones with craft tents and puppet shows? Here’s how to cope: 

Get used to insipid music

No more Orbital for you, chum; instead it’s ukulele bands called things like The Woodfolk Singers who tell stories between songs. Develop a tolerance for bland toss by only listening to daytime Radio 2.

Downgrade your drugs stash

Es and weed can go straight down the toilet. Your family-friendly drug stash will now consist of Junior Disprol, Tums for Kids, Calpol and enough valium to get you through another day of shrieking little bastards.

Expect learning activities

Family festivals are painfully middle class, so expect workshops on basket weaving and eco-friendly tie-dyeing. Leave a project ‘drying out’ at every tent and never return for it.

Prepare for eclectic headliners

Stormzy? Foo Fighters? Uh-uh. The headliners of your festivals will be whoever said yes, so get ready to watch The Wedding Present and Voice of the Beehive in a field near Swindon full of Waitrose customers.

Forget sex

For a start you’ll be with your partner and they, like every other MILF or DILF, will be permanently exhausted from the punishing regime of shoulder-carrying a five-year-old painted like Pikachu.

Don’t have a midlife crisis 

Don’t try to recapture your lost youth by moshing with terrified four-year-olds in front of a folk band doing ironic Metallica covers. If you feel a mental breakdown coming on, self-medicate with the middle-aged drug known as ‘wine boxes’.

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Ars*holes make guests take their shoes off

A TOTAL ars*hole couple demand that everyone remove their shoes before entering their home. 

Emma and Marcus Bradford recently invited their friends around for dinner and drinks without any warning that they would be be forced to spend the night in socks or barefoot.

Carolyn Ryan said: “They stopped us in the porch and ordered us to remove our shoes like we knew the rules when we agreed to attend their foot fetishist party.

“I was wearing new boots so hadn’t worried about the old Christmas socks with a hole in the left toe I had on underneath, which promptly became the focal point of my outfit for the evening.

“But I got off lightly. One guy clearly had athlete’s foot and Kelly had matching bunion plasters. The whole place stank of feet. It put me right off my veal parmigiana.

“I wouldn’t mind but they haven’t even got special carpets. And if you’re going to make everyone walk round shoeless, hoover up first? I had bits stuck to my heel.”

Hostess Emma Bradford said: “It’s a psychological thing that allows us to establish dominance right from the outset. Our house our rules, bitches.”