The sex swing was in Frogmore Cottage already, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has defended a 360-degree spinning sex swing installed in his royal residence by saying it actually dates back to the 1930s. 

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have been criticised for the £2.4m renovations to their home, including £85,000 spent on the vintage sex apparatus.

Harry said: “Nobody’s sure quite who had it installed, but certainly it’s now part of our country’s proud heritage.

“Monarchs, prime ministers, JFK; they’ve all come to this wonderful residence, seen this marvellous sex swing steeped in history, climbed on and had a good old go.

“Sadly it had become rather dilapidated over the last couple of decades, and it’s had yellow tape and cones around it since Tony Blair suffered that dislocated hip in 2007 so we thought it was high time the old girl had a makeover.

“It’s got all new elastic, the original goat leather’s been expertly restored, and we’ve had more than 18,000 Swarovski crystals sewn in to really make it sparkle.

“I promise you it’s well worth the money it’s cost you, even though you’ll never, ever see it. Do we use it? We’ve got a month-old baby. We barely get any use out of our bed.”

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Public schools still top for producing bastards

INDEPENDENT schools are still better than state schools at cultivating high-quality bastards, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that fee-paying schools were twice as good at creating polite, well-mannered sociopaths.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The average comprehensive school is 18 per cent bastard compared to 36 per cent in schools with lakes and gargoyles.

“Private schools try to instil a moral code in pupils, usually based on a Latin slogan, but this is counterbalanced by the evilness of wealthy parents and the sense of entitlement that comes from wearing an extravagant blazer.”

He added: “It seems school is a waste of time. You may as well let kids run around until they eat each other or get bored and start reading books.”