My track record of f**king things up and running away is irrelevant to my becoming prime minister

by Boris Johnson

MEDIA commentators are claiming my family life, in which I have a decades-long track record of badly screwing everything up and walking away unconcerned, is somehow relevant to my political ambitions. 

They maintain, disgustingly, that just because I have reneged on every promise I have ever made as a private citizen and left those I have lied to alone to face the consequences, my private life is ‘on the table’.

Let me say this: I do not talk about stuff involving loved ones, formerly loved ones, briefly loved ones and ones who I in truth had very little affection for but were on the cycle route between the Daily Telegraph and Parliament.

And even if I and Liam Gallagher have been conducting a good-natured rivalry as to how many love children we can father within the congestion charge area, that is a piffling irrelevance to my career as a public servant.

Any suggestion that I will woo Britain, f*ck Britain and then abandon Britain when it all gets difficult is offensive to me. That is not who I am as a politician, though admittedly it is who I am as a man.

No, to Britain – unlike to Marina, Petsy, Anna, Hels, Emma and whatever the current one is called – I shall remain steadfast and true, no matter what. That is a promise.

Unless I do a year as PM, it’s not going well and America’s making the come-hither eyes at me, in which case good luck with it all and remember me fondly. Thank you.

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Brexit recipes you can make without food

A POST-Brexit lack of recognisable foodstuffs is a culinary challenge but just follow our simple recipes for a creative approach to not starving.

Houseplant salad
Getting your greens when the supermarket shelves are bare needn’t be a challenge – just eat a cheese plant. Layer up a tasty, textured salad from the various potted plants you’ve barely kept alive for years. Add handfuls of weeds from the pavement for a fancy, cosmopolitan garnish.

Tenner tagliatelle
Got money to spend on food? It’s no use when there’s nothing to buy. Instead, try shredding your notes into thick tagliatelle-like strips, which you can fry up with some E45 for this luxuriously creamy Italian classic.

‘Rice’ and ‘spice’
Like every other human, you have some chunks of polystyrene packaging in the back of cupboard. Crumble it up into a rice-like substance and boil it. Then drain and stir in some ground-up pot pourri. This fragrant, chewy dish will almost feel like the old days, when Britain had food.

Domestic pet hotpot
An extreme measure, but if your family is suffering from a lack of protein, try this hearty winter warmer, which works especially well with hamsters. Sorry Snowy, but that’s what you get for having flesh.

Millionaire’s shortbread
The same old classic recipe, except that purchasing the flour, butter, sugar and chocolate will now cost the same as a five-bedroom house in Guildford.