Man won't read books written by women in case he turns into one

A MAN refuses to read any novels written by women for fear of gaining such a keen insight into the opposite gender that he becomes one. 

Roy Hobbs has bypassed centuries of female writing, from the classics to contemporary literature, rather than risk their womanly wiles brainwashing him into wanting to do the washing up and take up knitting.

He said: “Charlotte Brontë may have been a genius, but I don’t want her inside my head, whispering dangerous truths about gender inequality. What if I turn?

“And as for Jane Austen, I can’t believe a woman in a big bonnet can be responsible for the wittiest books ever written. And I’ve got the full set of Clarkson’s published works, so I know of what I speak.

“I don’t care if it’s a load of conspiratorial nonsense by Dan Brown or some boring crap about what boots the SAS wear by Andy McNab, if it’s by a man it won’t be trying to make me feel emotions or any of that nonsense.

“I’ve just got into these new crime ones by Robert Galbraith. Proper tough stuff. I imagine they’re probably based on the author’s own life.”

When told Robert Galbraith was a pseudonym for female author JK Rowling, Hobbs rushed away to scrub his eyes with soap.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Close doors' button on lift does f*ck all, admits engineer

A LIFT engineer has confirmed that the ‘close doors’ button does absolutely f*ck all.

The20-year veteran said that it was put there to make short-tempered office workers feel better a but is always disconnected.

The anonymous whistle-blower said: “The doors close anyway, so what’s the point. No one’s that busy. What, you can’t wait 3 extra seconds to go back to your desk and check Facebook again? I’m glad it doesn’t do anything.

“You’re already in a lift. Look around you. It’s a box that means you don’t have to walk up two flights of stairs. And you want it to be more convenient? F*ck you.”

Other things that are believed to do sh*t-all include those self-administered morphine drips in hospitals and the indicators on an Audi Q5.