'F**king grasses will get theirs when I'm PM' vows Johnson

BORIS Johnson has promised a crackdown on grasses, rats and f*cking busybodies who stick their noses where they do not belong.

Johnson, still favourite to become prime minister despite the police being called to a row at his home, will legalise pushing dog-dirt through snitches’ letterboxes.

He said: “Across this great country, honest, decent people doing nothing more than standing on their ex-wife’s lawn at 4am shouting ‘bitch!’ are being unfairly harrassed by neighbours who need to wind their f*cking necks in.

“It is every man’s right to engage in a screaming row with his partner without these bloody stoolies – and let’s face it, they’re all Remainers – getting involved.

“The Mind Your Own Bloody Business Act, which I am currently drafting nightly after my second bottle of wine, will make furious doorstep confrontations, keying cars and painting ‘Coppers’ Nark’ on houses perfectly legal.

“Also, if elected, I promise to install a disused washing machine, burnt-out mattress and crazed pit bull on Downing Street. Let’s be the nation we really are.”

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Walking in same direction after saying goodbye 'most stressful thing possible'

WALKING in the same direction as someone after you have already said goodbye is the most stressful experience you can possibly have, experts have confirmed.

Psychologists said it ranked above losing a close family member, divorce, moving house and getting hit by a train.

Victim Tom Booker said: “I said goodbye to a colleague as we got out of the lift, only to have them set off in the same direction as me. It honestly felt like the blood froze in my veins.

“When I look back on it now, it feels like it happened to someone else.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “There are a number of techniques you can employ if you find yourself in this situation. Try commenting on how awkward it is, pretending you have to go back for something, or jumping in front of a van.”