BORIS Johnson has promised a crackdown on grasses, rats and f*cking busybodies who stick their noses where they do not belong.
Johnson, still favourite to become prime minister despite the police being called to a row at his home, will legalise pushing dog-dirt through snitches’ letterboxes.
He said: “Across this great country, honest, decent people doing nothing more than standing on their ex-wife’s lawn at 4am shouting ‘bitch!’ are being unfairly harrassed by neighbours who need to wind their f*cking necks in.
“It is every man’s right to engage in a screaming row with his partner without these bloody stoolies – and let’s face it, they’re all Remainers – getting involved.
“The Mind Your Own Bloody Business Act, which I am currently drafting nightly after my second bottle of wine, will make furious doorstep confrontations, keying cars and painting ‘Coppers’ Nark’ on houses perfectly legal.
“Also, if elected, I promise to install a disused washing machine, burnt-out mattress and crazed pit bull on Downing Street. Let’s be the nation we really are.”