ARE you and your mates thrilled to be set free from school every afternoon? Here’s how to piss off innocent people also using the pavement.
Ignore social distancing
Wander home slowly in large clumps, like semi-sentient mushrooms. Covid doesn’t affect you and no one really cares about it anyway. Don’t wonder why adults with fully formed brains are politely trying to step into the road without being run over.
Childhood is a time to explore boundaries, but endlessly shouting ‘F**K OFF!’ at each other in squeaky, high-pitched voices like Alvin and the Chipmunks is just a bit tiresome. It’s unlikely that genuine hard cases like gangsters and drug dealers even bother with swearing, preferring to just cut people’s fingers off. But don’t do that.
You MUST rush over to Keira to breathlessly repeat what Jayson said about Cassie, then scream about it. No, really, do this more often, preferably while crossing a busy road or, ideally, a motorway.
If you’re going to bully someone, give them a good thump. Then any nearby adults will know they should immediately step in, rather than being caught in a time-wasting thought process of ‘Is this just kids larking around or is it serious? Also my Haagen-Dazs is melting.’
Create an impenetrable wall of parent cars
Get mum or dad to pick you up from school, ensuring that every nearby road is double-parked, traffic slows to a crawl and pedestrians have to squeeze between bumpers to cross the road. Don’t rush off, though. Have a good old chat about your music lesson.
Don’t actually go home yet
School finishes relatively early, so you are time-rich. You’ve got at least an hour to fill with enriching experiences such as throwing chips at each other outside Burger’N’Pizza and doing a shit ‘tag’ on a bin.