Friday, 6th December 2019

The squaddie's guide to things you pretty obviously shouldn't be doing

ARE you in the army but sometimes feel you’re doing things that might be considered ‘wrong’ or ‘mental’? Here are some activities to avoid.

Pretending to shoot Jeremy Corbyn

Everyone likes a laugh and God knows Corbyn’s a bit of an arse, but shooting the democratically elected Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition has a teeny hint of ‘military coup’ about it.

What to do instead: Use an uncontroversial image for target practise, such as the reviled Crazy Frog or Piers Morgan.

Extremely dangerous initiation ceremonies

Look out for tell-tale signs that your initiation rituals are going too far. These include:

● You have beaten your new colleague unconscious;

● They are reluctant to drink the 20th pint of urine and bleach;

● They are on fire.

What to do instead: Maybe just make them sit in a bath of cold beans or something? Or wedgies? Wedgies are fine.

Appearing in selfies with ‘Tommy Robinson’

'Tommy Robinson' may be a celebrity of sorts, but having your picture taken with him has connotations of right-wing extremism, Islamophobia and being mates with total bellends.

What to do instead: Stick to mainstream celebrities. They’re so desperate for a bit of populist publicity you could probably get Myleene Klass, Carol Vorderman and everyone off The X-Factor to turn up at your barracks within an hour of putting a request on Facebook.

Encouraging Jim Davidson

If it wasn’t for armed forces benefit gigs keeping his career semi-alive, the comedy of Jim Davidson would be a dim and distant memory, so thanks a lot for that, British Army.

What to do instead: Try other comedians. They may not ultimately be to your taste, but who wouldn’t be fascinated to see Stewart Lee performing in front of 800 squaddies in an aircraft hangar?