ARE you in the army but sometimes feel you’re doing things that might be considered ‘wrong’ or ‘mental’? Here are some activities to avoid.
Pretending to shoot left-wingers
Everyone likes a laugh and God knows lefties need a good-natured ribbing, but shooting the democratically elected Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition has a teeny hint of ‘military coup’ about it.
What to do instead: Use an uncontroversial image for target practise, such as the reviled Crazy Frog or Piers Morgan.
Extremely dangerous initiation ceremonies
Look out for tell-tale signs that your initiation rituals are going too far. These include:
* You have beaten your new colleague unconscious;
* They are reluctant to drink the 20th pint of urine and bleach;
* They are on fire.
What to do instead: Maybe just make them sit in a bath of cold beans or something? Or wedgies? Wedgies are fine.
Appearing in selfies with ‘Tommy Robinson’
‘Tommy Robinson’ may be a celebrity of sorts, but having your picture taken with him has connotations of right-wing extremism, Islamophobia and being mates with total bellends.
What to do instead: Stick to mainstream celebrities. They’re so desperate for a bit of populist publicity you could probably get Myleene Klass, Carol Vorderman and everyone off The X-Factor to turn up at your barracks within an hour of putting a request on Facebook.
Encouraging Jim Davidson
If it wasn’t for armed forces benefit gigs keeping his career semi-alive, the comedy of Jim Davidson would be a dim and distant memory, so thanks a lot for that, British Army.
What to do instead: Try other comedians. They may not ultimately be to your taste, but who wouldn’t be fascinated to see Stewart Lee performing in front of 800 squaddies in an aircraft hangar?