There were no speed cameras and every kid had a knife: A Boomer explains how safe it was in their day

By Roy Hobbs

THIS country is a dangerous cesspit nowadays. You can barely walk down the street without something terrible happening. Not like it was in my youth, when Britain was a safer and better place.

When I was a lad we carried a knife with us at all times. There was no namby-pamby fussing that we might hurt ourselves, and we used them for whittling sticks, cutting fishing line and threatening kids from the next town. If you did accidentally slice your hand, you rubbed a dock leaf on it and crossed your fingers you didn’t get tetanus. Happy times.

Speed cameras weren’t invented. You could go as fast as you liked, because we didn’t have an authoritarian nanny state telling us how to drive our cars. Now I’m much more likely to crash because I have to keep looking at the speed limit signs all the time. OK, so the number of road deaths was around four times higher than it is now, but is that worse than not being allowed to choose how fast you go? Hard to say.

We didn’t have DNA testing either. No need. We were a tight knit bunch so everyone knew who the neighbourhood wrong ‘un was without fiddling around with science. If any kids went missing we’d all get together and attack the weird bloke on the street who wore glasses and lived with his mum. If we were wrong, no matter. He still deserved it for being a bit different. That’s what being part of a community is all about.

Anyway, the kids always turned up. They’d usually just been hanging around smoking super strength cigarettes, smashing bottles and climbing down wells at the derelict mill up the road. That’s how safe it was. It’s tragic that those halcyon days have gone for good.

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All going well on This Morning until Holly tells audience to f**k off

HOLLY Willoughby has ruined This Morning’s most stress-free show in weeks by suddenly turning to camera and telling the whole of Britain to f**k off.

Producers of the ITV daytime staple were shocked when Holly looked to camera during a segment about online scams and said ‘and you can all go and f**k yourselves, as well.’

The smiling star then turned back to an expert advising viewers never to believe cold-callers claiming to be from their bank, before again addressing viewers and saying ‘every last one of you can f**k off and die’.

A body language expert said: “I thought Holly’s posture was relaxed and her hand movements seemed more open than in weeks before she told me to f**k off.

“And I don’t mean as part of a larger collective. While Wolfgang Puck was making huevos rancheros, she said ‘specifically, body language experts digging dirt for the Daily f**king Mail can get to f**king f**k.’

“Apart from that it felt like the show was back on its feet, except after the cast of the Temptations musical performed and she said ‘Goodbye until tomorrow and f**k the lot of you’, which I felt came off as hostile.”

Producer Susan Traherne said: “Oh God. She does this all the time. It’s just nobody’s ever actually paid the show any attention before.”