Today is the perfect day to crap on the carpet, decides dog

A NEW carpet has given a family dog a fresh sense of purpose in life, it has emerged.

A combination of the lovely weather and the carpet – which is pure wool and a light, oatmeal colour – has instilled four-year-old Logan with a sense of ambition missing since his days as a puppy.

The carpet is unmarked and his owners have banned anyone walking on it wearing shoes in case ‘they bring something in from outside’, which Logan confirmed was ‘a new and exciting challenge’.

He added: “A wise man once said that the purpose of life is to seek fulfilment and happiness. And this will most certainly do at least one of those.

“The sun is streaming through the window. It’s a lovely day to be alive, to dream, to plan the future, and to heave a steaming pile of shit right in the middle of this expensive carpet.

“I know I’m supposed to go outside to do this, but what is life without a smidgen of variety?”

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Total clusterf**k is Britain’s best hope

A HUNG parliament in which no politician can achieve any of their policy goals is what Britain is really keeping its fingers crossed for right now.

Across the country, voters are pinning their hopes on no party achieving a majority, leaders refusing to form a coalition, and the delicate machinery of government basically having a live cow shoved into it.

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “May out of power is definitely the key aim, but also everyone else out of power. Keep the reins of power well away from the fucking lot of them.

“All the party leaders would resign, all the parties would collapse, Brexit talks would be put on hold by the EU on compassionate grounds, and maybe in a few years we’d have an election if they’d found candidates that weren’t cocks.

“Yep, an absolute fucking six-way car crash followed by total paralysis. That’s the dream right now.”