Saturday, 4th April 2020

Toilet paper shortages so bad woman may have to take dump at work

A WOMAN has acknowledged that toilet paper shortages could force her to take the unprecedented step of having a shit at work. 

Susan Traherne believes that the coronavirus situation is now totally out of control, due to the breaking of her self-imposed, three-decade ban on office defecation.

Traherne said: “I never thought I’d be forced into this situation. But we’re on our last two rolls at home and I couldn’t get any more. 

“Just a few weeks ago, I would have said civilisation would never break down to this extent. Now I’m facing genuinely having to go in there and do it. How quickly our illusions are torn away. 

“After I leave that bathroom, having done my business like an animal, I think I’ll be capable of anything. Murder. Cannibalism. Anonymously writing ‘f**k off’ in Janine’s leaving card. 

“The old Susan is dead and flushed. I’m the new Susan, and you’ve never met anything like me before. I’d leave it 10 minutes if I was you.”