Which tedious twats can you avoid now you're 'social distancing'?

YOU’VE been wanting to drop some tedious friends and family members for a while and coronavirus is the perfect excuse. Here are the people to get rid of with ‘social distancing’.

Your joyless uni friend

She won’t let her kids eat sugar. She moans about tuition fees for her child who is still only two. Binning her means you no longer have to sit at her ‘reclaimed wood’ table feigning interest in her unpleasant home-made linseed and carob bars.

That dull-as-shit colleague from three jobs ago with no friends outside work

Whenever you cave and have a pint with him, you’re forced to endure hours of chat about his built-in storage and how many sports his kids excel at. If they have to self-isolate with their charisma-vacuum of a father, they’ll surely excel at pole-vaulting over the garden wall.

Your mum

Your mum used to enjoy ‘just popping over’ annoyingly for pointless chats. However much you love her really, spontaneous visits from your own personal ‘time vampire’ are a thing of the past.

Personal trainer

They’ve been sending you running emojis for months, in an optimistic attempt to get you back in training. In the meantime, you’ve put on three stone. But now you can say you’ve been stockpiling fat for self-isolation with no guilt whatsoever.  

That oddball you matched with on Tinder years ago

His unsolicited dick pics are kind of funny, and you’re collecting them like some sort of wildlife photo competition. Alternatively it might be a female Tinder user who’s keeping in touch because all her dates are unmitigated disasters. Social distancing means you need never bother with either again. 


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What are the next hot items to hoard in your garage?

TOILET roll is so last week. Pasta is basically over. Here are the hot items all the food hoarders are buying multiples of right now.

Tabasco Pepper sauce

Once your basic supplies have run out, you’ll be trapping vermin and stray pets to eat as a nourishing family meal, and they’ll be made a lot more palatable with a dash of hot sauce. Take your squirrel Southern-style.


After a week in quarantine you’ll be drinking at noon just like all homeworkers always have but they don’t tell you. What about the kids? A sweet, tasty Hooch or WKD and they’ll be tucked up by 5pm so you can binge-watch Bollywood movies on Netflix because you’ve seen everything else.

A4 printer paper

You’ll only be communicating with the outside world by holding up handwritten signs within a fortnight, so make sure you’ve got the wherewithal. A stock of multicoloured Sharpies will make ‘HELP’, ‘NEED FOOD URGENTLY’ and ‘SITUATION CRITICAL, REUSING TOILET PAPER’ more appealing to passers-by.

Tins of all-day breakfast

The survivors controlling the black-market economy will be rough, bearded men comfortable with handling chainsaws. If you want to barter with them for supplies you’ll need tins of their staple diet. In an emergency, you could always eat it yourself.


What, you’ve given up? Think you’re going to live forever? Maybe think again.