Are you an unbearable control freak?

YOU’VE heard people mutter that you’re a ‘control freak fun vacuum’ but you think you just want things to be nice. So which is it?

You’re planning a weekend away with friends. Do you:

A) Relax and go with the flow!

B) Have one spreadsheet for the food shopping, one for proposed activities and one for how many times each couple has loaded the dishwasher. Relaxation doesn’t organise itself.

You’ve made cupcakes for your colleagues but one of them is slightly misshapen. Do you:

A) Take them in anyway – your workmates will love the effort you’ve gone to.

B) Have a complete meltdown, then attempt to salvage them into a trifle, but have a shit-fit when that’s not perfect either. Why God, WHY?

You’re going on a first date: who organises it?

A) Leave them to it! If it’s meant to be, they’ll pick something you like.

B) Send them a message listing your top three options for where to eat, drink, or have a spontaneous snog. Your detail-focussed approach is just helping them to be flexible.

You’ve asked a mate to pick up a Cos lettuce on the way to yours for lunch. They arrive with the iceberg variety. What’s your reaction?

A) You’re grateful they were able to help, and you have a lovely Caesar salad.

B) Are you f**king kidding me? Everyone knows a Caesar requires Cos lettuce. You struggle through the humiliation of serving a totally ruined lunch, even though your only guest is the person who bought the wrong lettuce.


MOSTLY As: You’re not a control freak, but maybe should put a bit more effort in to life.

MOSTLY Bs: Take the stick out of your arse for just a few minutes, and increase the time each day until you become vaguely fun. No, you can’t record your results on a spreadsheet.


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Woman who 'journals' daily still full of self-indulgent shit

A WOMAN who spends 30 minutes a day writing her thoughts into a journal is still full of self-indulgent crap for all the remaining hours. 

Donna Sheridan’s journaling involves writing a daily stream of consciousness of whatever words pop into her head, although 80 per cent of them tend to be ‘me’, ‘I’ and ‘my’.

Sheridan said: “I find my journaling so spiritually cleansing. After I’ve unclogged my own thoughts I’m free to give generously to other people, mainly by telling them about my journaling.

“What I write in my journal is private, but I’ll tell you every detail if you express even the vaguest interest. Which you probably will after I repeatedly mention the word ‘journal’, like it’s a person I fancy and am being a bit weird about.”

Sheridan’s partner Tom Logan is currently considering taking up journaling, so he can have 30 minutes respite from listening to her drone on about it.

Logan said: “Instead of actually journaling, I’ll use the half an hour to do something more useful, like watch half an episode of Takeshi’s Castle, have a very luxurious poo, or two wanks.”