Tommy Robinson's guide to how the law is racist against white people

HELLO. I’m Tommy Robinson, like the jam that used to have golliwogs on and they should bring back. But did you know our legal system is biased against white people? Here’s how.

Contempt of court

Who’d even heard of this before I got sent down for it? I hadn’t, even though I’ve been convicted of it on two previous occasions. Anyway, you know how many Muslims have been done for contempt of court? None. You know why? Because it’s not in Sharia law. F*cking outrage. 

Racial profiling

If you’re white the police are constantly trying to fit you up. Look at a completely average group of ordinary white people like my supporters. They’ve got loads of convictions for trumped-up crimes like harassment and racially aggravated assault. When a lovely bunch of law-abiding lads like that are in trouble with the law there’s only one explanation: racism.  

White collar crime

That’s another one you never see ethnic minorities convicted for. Fraud, insider trading, false accounting – they even call it ‘WHITE collar crime’! How racist is that? You don’t get ‘BLACK collar crime’, and they’d get off scot-free anyway. Although so do the whites, usually.  

Urinating in a public place

White people are always getting done for this. We should do what the Muslims do and say it’s cultural, which it is, because everyone needs a slash after 12 pints. A white bloke I met in prison got banged up for 15 years for it. Unbelievable. The guards said it was murder but that was just an excuse. 

Football hooliganism

How can it be an offence if both sides are willingly taking part? But oh no, punch a Leeds fan who’s threatening you with his pie and cup of Bovril and suddenly you’re the bad guy. Sure, the courts will call it assault, but really you’re getting done for the crime of being white.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Husband not expecting to see wife for several hours due to 'quick bath'

A HUSBAND has accepted he will be spending most of the day alone with the kids after his wife told him she was “off for a quick bath”. 

Upon hearing the bath would be ‘quick’, Martin Bishop’s heart sank as he realised he would be responsible for household chores and childcare for an extremely long time.

Bishop said: “She often goes for ‘quick’ baths but what are they quick in relation to? Learning French, the lifespan of a horse, designing a cathedral, what? 

“She actually put some stuff in a bag for this one, including a selection of magazines, a large bar of chocolate and a homemade smoothie. That alone took her 15 minutes.

“Now I’ve got to do all the tedious kids’ stuff. Oven chips and salt is a pretty balanced meal, right?”

Bishop’s wife Sarah said: “Martin should count himself lucky I said ‘quick bath’ and not just ‘bath’ because then he would not be seeing me until bedtime.”