Five bullshit old wives' tales idiots still believe in

DO you have an intellectually challenged friend or relative who absolutely will not give up their belief that carrots give you night vision? Here is some other rubbish to ignore.

White wine removes red wine from a pale carpet

If you’ve ever woken up hungover with a vague recollection of trying this after getting shitfaced at home, you should know that all it does is produce a muddy brown stain and a lingering sense of self-disgust.

Cracking your knuckles gives you arthritis

Scientists have never found any evidence to suggest that one causes the other, but there is a large body of indisputable anecdotal evidence that it is really f**king annoying.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

It must have been great living in the days before everyone was so scared of cancer and heart disease they felt obliged to force down five items of fruit and vegetables a day, but sadly this isn’t true. It just rhymes.

Bad things come in threes

Clearly mumbo jumbo, especially now we live in times where bad things come constantly in one long hideous stream called 24-hour news. Also assumes some malevolent supernatural force is in charge of bad things and hates even numbers like 2, 4 or 8.

Picking up a penny will bring luck

Picking a penny up from the pavement will not bring good luck, because that is superstitious nonsense, but it may bring a host of unpleasant diseases and quite possibly some dog poo.

 

How to be a tw*t on public transport during the hot weather

ARE you an antisocial public transport user? If so, summer provides some excellent opportunities to antagonise people. Here are some ideas.

Wear obscene clothing

There’s nothing like a penis and testicles bulging from too-tight shorts to put other public transport users off their Greggs sausage roll. Female lycra fans should also ask themselves whether they want complete strangers to be familiar with their sexual organs.

Take a freaked-out dog 

Take a large, wild-eyed dog with its tongue hanging out, half-mad from the heat and sensory overload of public transport. Commuting is already grim enough without worrying you’re trapped in a confined space with an animal that could suddenly go mental and think your b*llocks are a chew toy.

Be an inconsiderate posh b*stard

If you’re going to an event called ‘Vivaldi in the Park’ or similar, turn the train into an obstacle course made of hampers, cool boxes and collapsible chairs. Make the ordinary wage slaves feel even more miserable by having conversations like: “So is Ali enjoying setting up her production company in LA?”

Strip off to show people your muscles

If you’re a bloke who’s pretty ripped due to spending waaaay too much time at the gym, refuse to wear a shirt on public transport as if you’re posing for the cover of a sh*t album by 50 Cent. Be sure to show the waistband of your Calvins too – there’s no way anyone else could afford to spend £8 on underpants.

Be part of a large group of very p*ssed people

Summer is the season for lightweights to get hog-whimpering drunk during the day in beer gardens or ‘by the river’. Travel in a large, chaotic group, with some tw*t obstructing the tube doors at every stop and a woman crying about an imaginary problem she won’t remember in the morning.