Tomorrow a good day to be hungover

TOMORROW, a day dedicated to quiet, to the cessation of all activity and to watching people murmur on the BBC, is a perfect day to be hungover.

A once-in-a-life bank holiday during which going out, getting together with friends or doing noisy DIY is firmly discouraged appears to have been custom-designed for recovering from a session.

Nathan Muir of Durham said: “From both a personal and historical perspective, it would be rude not to.

“Expectations that I remain largely silent in a darkened room watching something soothing on TV that requires 30 per cent of my attention? Dovetails perfectly with a few bottles of Riesling later.

“In fact I’m much more likely to do something disrespectful if I’m not suffering, like nip out for a run or mow the lawn, so getting wrecked is actually a powerful gesture of support.”

Mary Fisher of Nottingham agreed: “I know what I’m like. Give me a day off and I’ll try to tick shit off my to-do list. The only way I’ll sit and watch the whole thing is if I’m incapacitated, and the safest way to do that is by drinking heavily.

“I promise with every gin, from the third onwards, I shall say ‘Gentlemen, a toast to the Queen!’ The cat won’t care.”

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Nightclubs, and five other places where you will never find love

LOOKING for love? Struggling to meet people? These are the locations where it will never, ever happen for you: 


True love that will last the ages needs time to flower. It also needs to hear what your paramour is saying without shouting over the bass bin. Neither of these things are going to happen in a nightclub, although you may be able to cop off with someone you’ll hope you weren’t seen with the following morning.


In theory, pubs are the perfect place to find love. A cosy atmosphere and alcohol is on hand at all times to give you Dutch courage before approaching the object of your woozy affection. Sadly their clientele consists of established couples out on date night, or old f**kers steadily drinking themselves into an early grave, neither of which are your type.


Crossing the streams of work and love is a bad idea for a reason: if you f**k up one the other will suffer. It’s not worth asking out Nikki from facilities, because in the unlikely chance she’s interested it’s not worth risking the salary that barely covers your studio apartment. Instead, try to fall in love with Excel and your overdue Q3 profit report.

Dating apps

Notice how they’re called ‘dating’ apps and not ‘find the love of your life’ apps. They’re tailored towards user engagement instead of matching you with your soulmate, because if you find a soulmate they lose a user. The developers could easily create an algorithm which instantly pairs you with your perfect partner, but there’s no money for them in that. So they won’t.

The gym

Gyms are filled with toned, athletic people, which is great for shallow twats. However these Adonises and Aphrodites are too busy trying to do one last rep or beat a personal best to listen to your chat-up lines. The only thing they can ever love is their own reflection, so don’t f**king bother.

In the park

Strolling through your local park with an adorable hound is a foolproof way of finding love, so rom-coms claim. In reality you’ll get approached by babes fawning over your pooch while barely giving you a second glance. Perhaps the plastic bag full of shit you’re swinging playfully is putting them off.