Friday, 22nd January 2021

Town enjoying absence of Christmas market

A TOWN that usually hosts a Christmas market is enjoying being free of that shit for a year.

Residents of Whitby are in universal agreement that the absence of tacky stalls and throngs of shoppers pissed on mulled wine is actually preferable to having them.

Resident Martin Bishop said: “The bleak weather makes town look even more empty and desolate than usual. It’s a miserable sight that warms my heart.

“Usually at this time of year I have to barge my way through swarms of twats by windmilling my fists, but now I stroll down the street swinging my arms around without a care in the world.

“Except for coronavirus and the impending economic collapse, obviously.”

Local shopkeeper Donna Sherridan said: “You’d think the reduced footfall would be bad news for me. But now idiots can buy overpriced shit they don’t need from my shop instead of from a garden shed covered in LEDs.

“Incidentally, can I interest you in a wooden tie? It’s only £68 for two.”