Town enjoying absence of Christmas market

A TOWN that usually hosts a Christmas market is enjoying being free of that shit for a year.

Residents of Whitby are in universal agreement that the absence of tacky stalls and throngs of shoppers pissed on mulled wine is actually preferable to having them.

Resident Martin Bishop said: “The bleak weather makes town look even more empty and desolate than usual. It’s a miserable sight that warms my heart.

“Usually at this time of year I have to barge my way through swarms of twats by windmilling my fists, but now I stroll down the street swinging my arms around without a care in the world.

“Except for coronavirus and the impending economic collapse, obviously.”

Local shopkeeper Donna Sherridan said: “You’d think the reduced footfall would be bad news for me. But now idiots can buy overpriced shit they don’t need from my shop instead of from a garden shed covered in LEDs.

“Incidentally, can I interest you in a wooden tie? It’s only £68 for two.”

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Couple who don't own screwdriver want to buy chateau in France

A COUPLE who can barely put up a shelf have decided they want to buy a tumbledown chateau in rural France.

Emma Logan and her husband Tom believe selling their warm and comfortable home in Luton to purchase a wreck with no electricity or running water is a sensible plan.

Emma Logan said: “They’re really cheap – I mean, look at this one here for €250k – and how much can a new roof cost, really? Do we need four entire walls? It’s always lovely weather in France, I’ve seen it on A Year in Provence.

“We’ve got renovation experience because we put together a Billy bookcase last year, and I do actually have a great little screwdriver somewhere that I got in a Christmas cracker.

“We’ve been on the verge of breaking up a few times in England, but I’m sure once we’re in an isolated building in France those problems will just go away. And we don’t speak French, but French people don’t mind that, do they?”