Pink football boots and four other reasons 'the game's gone'

THE Premier League is beset by issues like goals disallowed because two millimetres of a striker’s soul has strayed offside. But it happened way before VAR – here’s how:

Soft lads with sleeve tattoos

In the old days, footballers sported ink more in keeping with a prison yard than the premiership. Now a sleeve tattoo comes fitted as standard with your Premier League debut. And don’t get us started on Louis Vuitton wash bags.

Choreographed celebrations

Scoring a goal used to be a subdued affair: a quick handshake with your teammates, a pat on the back if you’re feeling extravagant, nothing gay. But putting your side 1-0 up now leads to an embarrassing choreographed dance routine. Bundling in a corner from a yard out does not require a backflip.

Post-match Instagram

In simpler times, the only chance to interact with a footballer was visiting the pub they bought after retiring injured aged 27. In the era of social media, our footballing heroes are never more than an abusive comment on Instagram away. The world doesn’t need a post calling a drab 0-0 away at Burnley a ‘well-earned point’.

Pink football boots

These days, the kind of colourful boots that used to make you the target for a good kicking in any Sunday League fixture are all the rage. The new boots look like they’re made of cobwebs, candy floss and sunshine and yet managers are still shocked when the players who wear them get routinely injured.

Awful sponsors

In the world of full kit wankers it can be hard to support your local team because no-one wants to be a walking advertisement for Flamingo Land. Bring back the days when kids went to school with McEwans Lager emblazoned on their chests.

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Everyone on country walk pissed off with everyone else on country walk

ALL the people who have headed to a local beauty spot for a countryside walk are resentfully glaring at all the other people who have done the same thing. 

Families getting away from all this Covid nonsense with a nice tramp through the woods are tutting judgmentally at other families, who are selfishly ignoring pandemic regulations to invade rural areas.

Julian Cook said: “The car park of the Rambler’s Retreat was absolutely full by 10am and I had to leave the Range Rover in a passing place up the road. So bloody irresponsible.

“There’s nothing else to do in lockdown, so we thought we’d head out for a bit of a wander. Except, just like the last three weekends, it’s been absolutely ruined by all these thoughtless idiots.

“We’re just going to stay home next weekend. Or that’s what we’re telling everyone, then we’ll sneak out while it’s nice and empty. Clever.”

Rural resident Susan Traherne said: “It’s nose-to-tail out there. We’re popping into Leeds for a stroll around the deserted streets instead.”