Train becomes your house when you buy a ticket, say twats

THE train is your house on rails where you can do whatever you like, according to many passengers.

Customers think trains are their own private property where they are free to do things like eating kebabs, arguing with relatives and watching Netflix with the sound up.

Builder Norman Steele said: “I like to take my boots off and put my sweaty feet up on the table. It’s like being at home but without my wife complaining about the stench.

“Since I temporarily own my part of the train I’m also allowed to leave chocolate wrappers on the seats and to do a massive shit in the toilet without flushing it.

“On my next journey I’m taking it to the next level and sprawling out in just my pants watching football on my phone.”

Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “It’s good that trains become your house because I’d hate it if my kids had to stop playing with their bleepy electronic learning toys on long journeys.

“Being ‘at home’ also means I can talk loudly to my friends about things like my recurring yeast infection without feeling in the least bit self-conscious.”

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Labour outlines new Hugely Popular With Voters TBC policy

LABOUR has outlined a new policy which will to appeal to broad swathes of the electorate, the details of which have yet to be confirmed. 

Deputy leader Tom Watson unveiled the policy, to be implemented by colleagues in energy, foreign affairs or the exchequer depending on what it turns out to be, at the party conference yesterday.

He said: “The media have been saying we can’t appeal to voters in middle England. Well this policy does, as you can see from bullet point four on the slide behind me, ‘Popular with voters in middle England.’

“And, as points one to three show, it is also a hit with our core voters, voters who have defected to UKIP, and the radical left.

“What is revolutionary about this policy is that is costs nothing, brings in £350 to £500 billion a year, creates almost half a million jobs in deprived areas and is completely Brexit.

“Support Labour to find out what it is.”

Conservative sources are not yet sure whether to condemn the policy as a disaster for Britain that would crash the economy and throw open borders to ISIS, or steal it.