Try Not To Punch Tourists, Britain Reminded

TOURISM chiefs have unveiled a new guide reminding Britons not to just punch people who are here on their holidays.

The glossy A3 booklet Dealing with Temporary Scum will give tips and advice to UK citizens in the run up to the 2012 Olympics and the influx of a load of foreign tourists looking for a right good kicking.

The 36-page publication tells the story of a drunken night out with violent Olympic cyclopses Wendigo and Hemlock, as they complete a circuit of chain bars with their mates, drinking as much Stella as possible and encountering various other nationalities en route.

Wendigo takes the ‘good cop’ role, remonstrating with Hemlock after he indulges in a series of misdemeanours such as repeatedly smashing a Metz bottle over the head of someone he believes to be French but who is actually Japanese, or offering some Canadian girls the opportunity to see his ‘other one-eyed bodypart’.

A spokesman for Visit Britain said: “It’s easy to forget that casual violence can offend, and that in some countries you can go into town Saturday night without having first completed a will.

“Similarly many foreigners do not consider any oily, ambiguous matter to be food simply because it’s in some pitta bread, shows no visible signs of life and is slathered with ‘the hottest fuckin’ sauce you’ve got mate’.”

He added: ‘It’s important to remember that many tourists will have arrived in Britain without any idea of how utterly vile it is.”

The leaflet also gives general advice on issues such as language: “Do not judge foreigners harshly because they are too lazy to learn English, the one true language of proper humans.

“Use their faltering attempts to request simple information as a source of humour, and point them in the direct opposite direction to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, and then check the next day’s Evening Standard to see if they got mugged.”

 

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Facebook To Stop You Hurling Violent, Unhinged Abuse At Strangers You Disagree With About Films

FACEBOOK was last night accused of attacking freedom of speech after it pledged to stop you calling someone a ‘Nazi fucking cocksucker’ because they don’t like Christian Bale as Batman.

The social network is developing new security measures after a series of abuse cases, including a 22 year-old trainee nurse who was branded a ‘blistered crack-whore smeared in rancid monkey spunk’ because she admitted she was slightly disappointed by the BBC’s new Sherlock Holmes adaptation.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “On the whole I thought it was quite good and I’m a big fan of Martin Freeman. I just felt there were a couple of scenes where the dramatic tension was slightly lacking.”

But Stephen Malley, from Finsbury Park, disagreed, insisting: “Shut your cocking face you fucking piece-of-shit, spastic bitch-sucker.”

And Helen Archer, a Benedict Cumberbatch fan from Grantham, added, ‘fuck you, you shit-eating minge-faced arse-felcher’, before urging Hollis to drink her own urine and then kill herself with a train.

A Facebook spokesman said: “It often starts with a relatively intelligent exchange, perhaps about religion or politics. Someone will say something like ‘an unfettered free market is as inhumane as rigid central planning’ but then – for absolutely no reason whatsoever – they will add the word ‘twat’.

“They get a huge rush from insulting a stranger knowing that they can never be held accountable in any way for this unremittingly pathetic act of cowardice.

“From that point it is only a matter of days before they’re hovering over a Dr Who fan page looking for Christopher Eccleston detractors, inventing a false name and threatening to massacre their families with a machete.

“So anyway, eventually we realised that wasn’t terribly nice and we should probably put a stop to it.”

But internet freedom campaigner Julian Cook said: “Fuck you, Hitler. I should be able to say whatever I fucking want on Facebook, which by the way is a load of shit compared to Twitter and run by a gang of bestial-necrophiliacs who eat each other’s puke.”