TUC Backs Workplace Tit Ban

BRITAIN'S trade unions have called for a ban on workplace tits, claiming they are demeaning to women and could block fire exits.

The TUC conference in Liverpool backed a motion condemning workplace boob culture and called on employers to make it easier for women to wear flat, sensible breasts.

Lorraine Hayes, a Unison shop steward from Doncaster, told delegates: "We're not being killjoys. Big boobs can block designated escape routes and carry a suffocation risk.

"We've all seen the noted workplace documentary Carry On Doctor, where Hattie Jacques almost smothers a defenceless Kenneth Connor while trying to take his temperature."

The conference backed a motion for comprehensive risk assessments to be carried out on workplace knockers with any tits deemed hazardous to be cordoned off with yellow boob tape.

Robin Askwith, managing director of the Cheeky Chappy Window Cleaning Company, said: "I am absolutely committed to gender equality in my workplace, therefore I will ensure there is no breach in health and safety by inspecting all the knockers myself."

He added: "Anyone with really huge melons will be offered boob management training aimed at helping them to handle their own and each other's charlies.

"The sessions will be facilitated by myself, in my jacuzzi, on dates to correspond with my wife going to see her sister in Australia."

But Tory MP Nadine Dorries dismissed the TUC's health and safety concerns, adding: "I'm five foot three and need every inch of my fabulous rack to ensure my male colleagues don't look me in the eye."

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Kenyon Named As Successor To Lord Vader

CHELSEA chief executive Peter Kenyon is to succeed Darth Vader when the Imperial enforcer steps down from his post next month.

Kenyon said he 'leapt at the chance' of carrying on the work of his mentor and was looking forward to strangling people with his mind.

He added: "Lord Vader had some interesting ideas on recruiting young talent, as do I. Jedi mind tricks and attempting to convert offspring produced mixed results.

"I prefer the more traditional route of throwing huge amounts of cash at foreign teenagers and will only slice their hand off if their agent is spotted anywhere in the Greater Manchester area."

According to Imperial sources Kenyon plans a three year £24m tie-up with Pepsi, a controversial move as Stormtroopers' uniforms have never carried a sponsors' logo.

But Kenyon did confirm plans for a £220m refurbishment of the Death Star to include four restaurants, a health club staffed by kidnapped princesses in gold lamé bikinis and 38 luxury apartments each with its own massive laser.

He added: "We are going to create the premier venue for conferencing, corporate hospitality and reducing rebel planets to their constituent atoms."

The Galactic Emperor Palpatine said: "I sensed Vader was losing his edge and I need someone who jumps out of bed every morning with a huge smile on his face and says 'what can I do today to help the Dark Side?'."