Turd reveals maniac’s hatred of scumbag

BRITAIN is to be dipped in antiseptic after hearing the oozing testimony of Kelvin Mackenzie.

The country struggled to decide which part of the former Sun editor’s evidence to the Leveson inquiry finally snapped the last morsel of their hope but it was generally agreed that the seat he sat on should be encased in concrete and fired into an abyss.

Observer Tom Logan said: “For some people it was hearing that our country’s nuclear weapons were controlled by a petulant buffoon and for others it was having it confirmed that some button-eyed antipodean walnut ultimately decides which buffoon that might be.

“But for me it was having to look at Kelvin Mackenzie climb up onto the moral high ground with all the natural grace of a hippo on a mantelpiece and then realising I had forgotten my shotgun.

“Although I admit, when he verbally savaged a woman whose baby died of cot death that did make a little bit of vomit leak out of my ears.”

Mackenzie was the chief perpetrator of the Sun for 13 years and was responsible for some of its most iconic atrocities, as well as making sure you could see both the nipples on page three.

He told the inquiry of Gordon Brown’s fury on learning that Rupert Murdoch was to stop pretending to be his friend and how Brown vowed to quit running the country and spend his time destroying Murdoch’s sleek media apocalypse empire using nothing but his brain.

He then acknowledged that he was not there when it happened and could not prove a word of what he was saying and anyway the Guardian are shits.

Logan added: “I need a cuddle.”


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Miliband 'lacks video game skills to lead UK'

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is stuck on Level 2-3 of Angry Birds, with a similarly poor performance at Fruit Ninja.

Miliband’s inept hand-eye coordination comes as a further blow following confirmation that prime minister David Cameron has completed Angry Birds Rio with three stars on every level.

A Labour source said: “It’s painful to watch him firing birds at the upper levels of the pigs’ base without even the vaguest notion that he should be undermining the foundations.

“It’s almost as if he doesn’t understand basic physics.”

The source added: “The other day he asked me if I could help him ‘get all the apples’. For some reason he thought the pigs were apples, for Christ’s sake. We’re facing years in opposition.

“Britain needs a leader who can constantly deliver high mobile phone game scores while simultaneously using a laptop, watching TV with one eye and debating the future of NHS funding in a bored voice.”

The Labour leader has also posted a Fruit Ninja score of 56 to Facebook, apparently under the misapprehension that this is an achievement.

Emma Bradford, professor of political video game playing at Roehampton University, said: “Miliband is now in a very vulnerable position. If David Cameron offers to show him how to complete Level 2-3 in parliament, he must accept or look bitter and envious.

“But given that it’s a very simple level where all you need to do is keep firing birds low, the experience cannot be anything but humiliating.”

Meanwhile, friends of shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper said she can get to the eighth island in Tiny Wings without even going into Fever mode.