UK basking in warm glow of victimhood

MILLIONS of perfectly normal Britons firmly believe they have some sort of ‘victim’ status, it has emerged.

Large numbers of people have decided they are brave victims of a world that is out to get them, despite having no real problems to speak of.

Accountant Martin Bishop said: “There’s Black History Month, so why isn’t there White Middle-Aged Accountants Month?

“I worry for my children because all they’ve got to look forward to is going to university, enjoying themselves and forging a career of their choice.

“Sometimes I think us ordinary people should rise up against our oppressors, but I’ve got a golf holiday in Portugal booked.”

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “The government’s always going on about refugees and the poor, but who’s looking out for people like me who are essentially fine?

“The political elite don’t care about ordinary families who’ve worked hard with nothing to show for it except a house, two cars and lots of possessions.

“As if that wasn’t bad enough they’ve taken away our culture, by which I mean there’s occasionally something on telly about Ramadan.”

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Posh family basically takes over pub

A WEALTHY family leave their shit lying all around the pub whenever they visit.

Rich bellend Tom Booker, his loud sinewy wife and awful children always occupy at least three tables, even if it means just leaving bits of the Financial Times strewn across furniture while they dick about outside.

Booker said: “We just do whatever the fuck we want when we go to the pub.

“Usually we chuck our coats in one corner of the room, our wellies in the middle of the floor and just let the dog do his dog stuff.

“Ideally we will have another wealthy knobhead family from London staying with us, so we can have a nauseating conversation about how property in the area is still bloody reasonable, whether you’re looking to move down or just for a second home.

“Sometimes we send our children to the bar with drinks orders, then get in a massive strop when the staff refuse to serve them.

“As we see it, everybody works for us.”