UK gearing up for another totally pointless Fathers Day

FATHERS and sons across the UK are preparing for another awkward and superfluous ‘celebration’ of being closely related.

As usual the day is set to be a half-hearted exchange of unwanted cards and gifts that neither dads nor their offspring are particularly bothered about.

Roy Hobbs, 62, said: “Ideally I’d tell my son to ignore Father’s Day. But no, we feel he has to come round and I have to switch the telly off. Then there’s the awkward hug and the half-arsed gift.

“Once it was a maroon tie. Another time it was a mug with a picture of the Flying Scotsman on it. It’s so bloody random he may as well just give me a banana.

“My biggest fear is he might say ‘I love you, dad’. We’re not in a soap opera so I don’t want any of that emotional nonsense, thank you very much.”

Hobbs’ son David said: “Once again I have had to choose from a load of overpriced Father’s Day cards that in no way reflect our relationship.

“One said ‘Thank you Dad for making me the man I am today!’. That seems a bit excessive because mainly he just made sure I had food and clothes and tried to get me into fishing.

“Looks like he’s getting the non-committal one saying ‘Have a great day!’ and a tiny bottle of Drambuie with a shot glass he can leave to gather dust on the sideboard.”

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Visiting skincare counter is masochistic fetish, admit women

WOMEN only visit skincare counters because they secretly love being told how shit their skin is, they have confirmed.

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “If all I wanted was a moisturiser, I’d just order it online. I go to my local skincare counter for the sexy, evil service.

“I don’t know why, but I really enjoy being sharply scolded for my ‘dry and lifeless’ skin by a sales assistant with a superiority complex and perfect fucking pores.

“It’s a bit like how I’m attracted to bastards. Something about being humiliated over minor things like whether I cleanse twice makes me come back for more every time.”

Skincare sales assistant Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t actually know anything about skincare. All our training was about how to give the customers what they want – a load of new insecurities to go home with.

“It can be tough to nail the perfect combination of judgement, pity and aloofness that drives our customers wild, but I’m getting pretty good at it.

“For the ones that like the hardcore stuff we’ve got a blemish light that really highlights every flaw. They always come back.”