University freshers definitely friends for life

A GROUP of first-year students at the University of Leeds have formed a bond that will last decades.

The freshers have discovered their uncanny series of shared interests including alcohol, pretending to have done more drugs than they actually have, and short-lived vegetarianism.

Psychology student Julian Cook said: “I mentioned this show I watched as a kid, Dick and Dom In Da Bungalow, and amazingly it turned out everyone else had watched it too.”

When Joanna Kramer realised she and her neighbour in halls had been in Byron Bay within three months of each other during their gap years, it became clear that their friendship was written in the stars.

She said: “I may only have been here five days, but I can say without any doubt that these people I share a kitchen with are my soulmates.

“In 50 years’ time we’ll all be meeting up to knock back some Jagerbombs and reminisce about the good old days.”

Kramer then returned to walking laps of a nightclub while reciting her name, course and A-levels to an endless sequence of strangers.


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Airstrikes to solve everything

NEW US airstrikes on Syria will restore peace in the region with no further complications, rubble or death.

Precision bombing of ISIS targets is expected to bring democracy, rights for women and a thriving free-market economy to the region by the end of the month.

President Obama has requested non-terrorists in the region to remove themselves to a place of safety for the next fortnight.

He continued: “There’s only one tried-and-tested way to get rid of radicals, and that’s bombing them from 30,000ft in the air.

“We’ve got plenty of experience in this area, trust us. You don’t go to war in Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iraq, or Iraq without learning a few things.

“Best of all, our work comes with the USA’s famous five-year guarantee.

“In the unlikely event that your region descends almost immediately into a hellhole of recrimination and infighting, we’ll get back to you with some more bombs as soon as we can.”