Viewers gripped by rolling news coverage that’s mostly bollocks

TV news viewers are once again glued to screens filled with endless speculation and wild inaccuracy.

As events unfolded, 24 hour news channels provided their hungry audience with fast-breaking rubbish and increasingly dramatic assumptions.

A Sky News reporter, standing at least four miles away from the events, said: “I’ve just heard from myself that there could be a sabre-toothed tiger in there.

“At this stage we can’t say for certain how many sabre-toothed tigers are involved, or what sex they are. But they’re probably male, like the one in Ice Age.”

A BBC reporter added: “Sky News is reporting that there’s at least 12 female sabre-toothed tigers involved.

“We’re joined now by someone who watched Shrek on a plane.”

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Human suffering not profitable enough

THE operator of Britain’s only privately-run NHS hospital has admitted that it is struggling to make enough money out of human misery.

Bosses at the healthcare business are baffled that serious injuries, life-threatening conditions and age-related dementia have not been the goldmines everyone expected them to be.

Senior executive Tom Logan said: “When I see someone wheezing along clutching a drip, their body unable to fight off infection, I naturally think ‘Ker-ching!’, so a hospital full of them was a licence to print money.

“But it turns out that you’re not allowed to demand they hand over their life savings or house before you give with the good drugs, and that there are absolutely loads of diseases that can’t be efficiently cured with one injection and an overnight stay.

“What are people in healthcare for? Because if they’re helping people and alleviating suffering without making a mint out of it, I think that’s sick.”

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