CATS have once again utterly failed to keep their resolutions to change their ways in the new year.
Despite the best intentions, 96 per cent of felines had broken promises not to scratch, vomit on carpets or simply to acknowledge their owners occasionally by noon on January 1st.
Seven-year-old black cat Gwendolyne of Leicester had vowed to eat cheap tinned food twice a week and to be more affectionate.
She said: “I meant it, I really did, but when he tried to touch me I hissed instinctively, and when he pulled his hand back it reminded me of a small rodent and well, I’m not proud of what happened next.”
Bristol tabby Tigger’s resolution not to clean his private parts in the centre of the living room lasted almost 11 hours, according to owner Nikki Hollis.
She said: “He was doing so well that I invited the neighbours round, confident there would be no ‘unpleasantness’.
“I was pouring the tea when Tigger strutted in, a lascivious look in his eye, and settled down to what I can only describe as a defiant display of cat pornography.”
Tigger said: “I’m sorry, and to make it up to you I’ve brought you the gift of an eviscerated thrush.
“I’ve left it on the kitchen floor. Don’t wear slippers.”