Cats’ New Year resolutions already broken

CATS have once again utterly failed to keep their resolutions to change their ways in the new year.

Despite the best intentions, 96 per cent of felines had broken promises not to scratch, vomit on carpets or simply to acknowledge their owners occasionally by noon on January 1st.

Seven-year-old black cat Gwendolyne of Leicester had vowed to eat cheap tinned food twice a week and to be more affectionate.

She said: “I meant it, I really did, but when he tried to touch me I hissed instinctively, and when he pulled his hand back it reminded me of a small rodent and well, I’m not proud of what happened next.”

Bristol tabby Tigger’s resolution not to clean his private parts in the centre of the living room lasted almost 11 hours, according to owner Nikki Hollis.

She said: “He was doing so well that I invited the neighbours round, confident there would be no ‘unpleasantness’.

“I was pouring the tea when Tigger strutted in, a lascivious look in his eye, and settled down to what I can only describe as a defiant display of cat pornography.”

Tigger said: “I’m sorry, and to make it up to you I’ve brought you the gift of an eviscerated thrush.

“I’ve left it on the kitchen floor. Don’t wear slippers.”

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Cameron demands colour-coded clothing for debates

THE prime minister has refused to take part in TV debates unless all participants wear suits colour-coded to their party.

The 2010 debate, chaired by William G Stewart

Under Conservative plans Ed Miliband would wear a pillar-box red suit, Nick Clegg would be in canary yellow, the Green Party’s Natalie Bennett would be in bilious green and Nigel Farage would wear the purple-and-yellow stripes of a seaside entertainer.

Cameron, who has confirmed that he would wear a sober suit of midnight blue, said: “The UK electorate, which is I believe composed entirely of hardworking families who believe in Britain, is too busy to remember the faces of five different white people.

“Hence this solution, which will allow viewers to easily differentiate the parties without reference to our confusingly similar policies.

“If Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg are unhappy wearing the colours of rampant communism and craven cowardice respectively, that’s their problem.”

The Labour leader responded: “The prime minister is trying to take advantage of the fact that his party uses the colour of the sky, the ocean and calm, while Labour’s colour reminds people of blood, fire and ginger people.

“And his plan for the final head-to-head debate, where he will be dressed as a blue-robed kindly, wise bearded old man glowing with omnipotence and I will be dressed as the devil, is unacceptable.

“Though I suppose everyone will have made their minds up by then anyway.”