Saturday, 4th April 2020

Waitrose limits food sales to people with detached houses

ANYONE who does not live in a detached house will be barred from shopping in Waitrose during the coronavirus crisis.

As the pandemic continues to disrupt shopping, the supermarket has introduced restrictions to ensure only ‘their kind of people’ stockpile its overpriced items.

Waitrose & Partners director Denys Finch Hatton said: “Until now we’ve been incredibly generous by letting the riff-raff browse our shelves, fondle our locally-sourced produce and drink from our KeepCups. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

“We’re slamming the door on the hoi polloi who don’t live in standalone domiciles. It’s not like the plebs in their terraced shoeboxes appreciate our vermicelli nests anyway.

“Shoppers will need to present mortgage documents, floor plans and photographs of their home interiors before being allowed to shop. If we don’t like the sound of your postcode we’ll happily turn you away.”

Aspirational semi-detached homeowner Emma Bradford said: “Where am I meant to get my ridiculously expensive lardons from now?”