The crap parent's guide to homeschooling your kids

WITH the nation’s schools closed, parents are half-heartedly educating their spawn at home. Here’s how to do it with the minimum of effort.

Plan and prepare

For actual teachers, this means creating lesson plans and resources. For you, it means hiding bottles of alcohol where you can subtly swig from them throughout the day. A bit of rum from the airing cupboard makes bedtime arrive so much faster. 

Focus on experiential learning

Don’t get caught up in the idea that learning only takes place in textbooks. Allow your little geniuses to direct their own learning, whether that’s brutally fighting with their siblings, playing Fortnite all day or just being quiet anywhere other than where you are. 

Everything is science

Washing up? Detergents and bacteria are science! Making you a cup of tea? The boiling point of water is science! Dicking about with the plug socket? Alternating current is definitely science, and a lesson they won’t forget in a hurry. 

Make a modern curriculum

Any learning should be preparing young people for the modern world, which means one thing: Instagram. Teach your little darlings how to smile and regurgitate basic facts so your competitive parent friends don’t realise you’ve just been watching The Boss Baby for six hours. 

Relationships and sex education

It’s never too early. Take this opportunity to start enlightening your little ones about the birds, bees and birth control, so they, unlike you, never have to spend their days trying to explain prime numbers to an ungrateful little bastard.

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Masturbation up eight million per cent

MASTURBATION levels are through the roof due to everyone being at home with too much time on their hands, it has been confirmed. 

The Institute for Studies found that working from home and self-isolation meant that levels of ‘rubbing one out’ are at the highest since records began.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Without a boss looking over their shoulder, people are really bashing the bishop and paddling the pink canoe.

“Yesterday a graphic designer in Swindon self-abused 14 times. Although in fairness he is ‘between jobs’ and would have been doing that anyway.

“And his actual record is 18 times.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “My boss said, ‘Just do what you do at home what you’d be doing at work.’

“So I knocked one out in the bathroom instead of in bed or on the sofa.”