People in bullshit jobs experiencing existential crisis

PEOPLE in jobs that are total bollocks are wondering if they have wasted their lives, they have confirmed. 

As the COVID-19 pandemic ravages the world, digital transformation gurus and brand wealth managers are questioning if perhaps they should have done something more useful with their time on earth.

Global relationship consultant Julian Cook said: “When I was little I wanted to be a lorry driver. Instead I do this, which I always knew was a bit of a joke but I got a company car and a bonus so it was fine.

“But now I look at the state of the world and wonder what the f**k I’ve been doing coming up with social media strategies and ‘brand engagement battle plans’ when I could have been, I don’t know. Driving a lorry.”

Mixologist Nikki Hollis agreed: “I’ve trained for years to do this – to throw bottles in the air before pouring stuff out of them. What was I thinking?

“My sister works in Asda and is basically on the frontlines of humanity’s survival, while I’m chopping up limes in an empty bar and washing my hands every five minutes.”

As the existential panic spread across the country, estate agents and recruitment consultants confirmed that they are so monstrous that if they did not do this they would do something even worse.

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Cats unprepared for all the extra attention

THE UK’s cats do not know why their owners are suddenly home and getting all up in their faces during their quiet time. 

Cats around the country have confirmed that while they do sometimes like a stroke in the evening, during the day they have stuff to do and do not need the hassle.

Roy Hobbs, a five-year-old cat living in Wimbledon, said: “How long is this meant to last for? Because it’s already bugging me.

“I’ve got a back wall to walk along, I’ve got mice to catch, I’ve got a dump to take in the kids’ sandpit six doors down. I can’t stay here being petted all day.

“Get off me. Get off. It’s lovely that if there was one seat in the spaceship saving us all I’m getting it, but haven’t you got work to do?”

Neighbouring tabby Emma Bradford agreed: “You might not be able to go out, but I am. Stroke a cushion if you need comfort.

“Though it was nice of you to say if you died of the virus I could eat you. That really is the spirit of the Dambusters.”