Couple forced to work from home realise neither actually does any work

A COUPLE forced to work from home has each realised that the other one’s claims to have a punishingly hard job are bullshit. 

Tom and Clare Logan, who usually spend their evenings regaling each other with how swamped they are at work, have seen the truth about their jobs revealed by sitting in the same room for nine hours of pure procrastination.

Clare said: “I’ve kept telling Tom to push for a promotion because the way he talked up work, he should be on six figures. After one day watching him in action I think he should be fired.

“He seemed to spend the whole day watching YouTube videos and snorting with laughter or commenting loudly what someone had just posted on Twitter.

“And don’t get me started on the toilet breaks. By 1pm I asked if he had a yeast infection.”

But Tom said: “Clare rarely actually types, and believe me I’d notice because she appears to have mistaken the keyboard of her laptop for a percussion instrument.

“And if that was a work call, then more of her business revolves around Celebrity Bake-Off than I’d imagined. Lazy cow. Tonight’s chat about our day is going to be awkward.”

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Your guide to this week's looting

AS the coronavirus crisis rolls on, it’s only a small step from panic-buying to full-on looting. Here’s how to prepare for a fun – and profitable – looting spree.

Plan ahead

What’s your window breach strategy, brick or a bin? Is your face hidden from prying CCTV? All these questions need answering. If you forget what you went in for and make off with nothing but a handful of Kinder Eggs you’ll just look silly.

Go for the high-value stuff

If you get arrested fleeing Currys with an Acer laptop with only 4gb of RAM and no dedicated graphics card instead of an armful of MacBook Pros, you deserve the excessively harsh sentence you’ll get. And in prison you’ll be everyone’s bitch.

Don’t trust other looters

Just like all those other bastards stockpiling food, other looters are nothing but scum. If someone offers to guard your shopping trolley of PlayStations while you get some trainers, politely decline.

Remember it’s not panic buying

When you’re looting, don’t follow the herd with their inexplicable fixation on toilet roll. Steal classy items like legs of lamb and packs of 200 fags and leave the bog paper to the riff-raff.

Don’t loot on an empty stomach

Otherwise you’ll come away with bags full of quiche, cocktail sausages and crisps worth barely £20 when you should have been grabbing electrical goods. Have a snack before you go looting, or start slightly earlier and loot a Boots meal deal first.

Watch out for the army

The army may be ordered to shoot looters on sight but let’s face it, Britain’s armed forces are so run-down there’ll only be a handful of teenage squaddies with a few bullets each. Just run for it with your trolley of Lush bath bombs.